5 minutes ago I became the one millionth human being to think to himself "Doesn't anything that annoys you about yo… https://t.co/uovBfS1fml (3 days ago)

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Sep
8

a touchy subject

I need to be clear what the point of this is. It’s not to ask if masturbation should be considered a sin. What I’m wondering about is what motivated somebody to want to consider it a sin.

Also, if you believe the bible was written by an all-knowing, all-powerful entity then you might want to skip this.

I write for grown-ups.

(and for Christians who are sick of writers making fun the bible but not the koran please be assured that I consider that document even more dumb because not only does it include the same silly stuff but the people who believe it probably want to lop off my head for saying so)

Ok, on the off chance that there is anyone I haven’t offended I’ll continue…

I can totally understand why people putting together a book of do’s and don’ts would have a lot of critical things to say about sex. I get it. Sex leads more people down dark and dangerous roads than drugs and rock n’ roll combined.

 

“The heart is more deceitful than all else And is desperately sick; Who can understand it?”

Jeremiah 17:9

 

Can I get an amen?

When you read that verse I’m surprised that the bible is actually pro-love. If I was writing some thoughts on how to keep the masses happy and in line I think I would have lumped in love with sex. Drugs might have led a few more people astray but what the fuck do you think all the rock songs are about?

But I digress. Once I start thinking about writing a sequel to the bible it’s hours until I can get my head straight again. The Newer Testament by Lance Manion. Has a nice ring to it. No wonder L. Ron had such a fun time.

Holy shit, even my digressions have digressions.

So we’re back to the time when a group of men were sitting around jotting things down for yet another attempt at a new god. I think it was after ‘caveman times’ and right around the Stone Age. Can that be right? It’s hard to reference time when the year is 0. Whenever I see B.C. written down I immediately think of people wearing fur singlets like professional wrestlers except they carried clubs. Before you scoff just know I Googled it and cavemen did indeed wear leopard leotards so they were probably way more more fabulous that you’ve been imagining them.

Hard to believe that I went into that paragraph trying to recover from my last digression. Harder still  to believe that the bible doesn’t consider digressing a sin worthy of a lake that burns with fire and sulfur.

But back to sexual immorality and “the flesh.”

Who was the guy that wanted to make masturbation wrong?! It seems the perfect way to address the church’s preoccupation with sex. “Rub One Out and Avoid Hell” would seem like such a great slogan. At some point in time there really was a guy who argued against masturbation. One guy fucked it up for billions of people to come (excuse the pun). It just seems so counter-intuitive. How could someone think touching your own ‘flesh’ is bad?

If it weren’t for him I imagine a world where not only is masturbation looked down on but it is understood and celebrated. When a girl asked how her new miniskirt looks you could smile and excuse yourself with a knowing wink. At work you could put ‘my special time’ right in your Outlook schedule. In school you could raise your hand and let the teacher know you needed to jerk off the same way you’d ask to go #1 or #2.

#3.

It would have made my high school years so much easier. Particularly on the days the football team had a game and all the cheerleaders wore their outfits to school. There was this one girl in particular, I believe her name was Lynn, she would have had me leaving social studies two or three times a class. In fact, yes it’s another digression, the only reason I even considered going to my high school reunion was to try and bang her now that I was all grown up. Even I admit that type of behavior is pretty sinny but the truth is the truth. If I ever meet her I’m going to try to climb her like Everest.

Another truth? Using the word sinny is should probably also be a sin.

And while sex might be a sin I bet comparing sex to climbing Everest has to be even more sinny.

Shit… I did it again.

(perhaps Britney Spears’ final album title?)

Ok… this story, or whatever the hell it is, is unsavable.

I was going to say unsalvageable but given that masturbation is considered a sin I think, much like my soul, unsavable is more appropriate.

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