LanceManion » the eclipse https://t.co/C2MMkmsuUt (1 day ago)

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Jun
3

and in conclusion pt. 4

I detest dumb expressions like “You never learn anything doing something right.” No shit. You did it right. You didn’t need to learn anything.

 

I fear that if I awoke in the 1920s, I’d giggle every time someone used the word gay to mean happy.

 

I sounded by battle roar from my bed, the place where my best battle roars are usually roared.

 

There’s an important lesson to be learned as you watch the documentary R.E.M. by MTV. The moment the band went from viewing the creative process as a mysterious and sacred process to wanting to express their political views is exactly the time that their music began to suck. I will try to remember this moving forward. It seems inevitable that celebrity would cause Michael Stipe to go from a cool eccentric type to thinking he is the smartest person in the room. Apparently it’s true even if you’re borderline retarded… like Janeane Garofalo (admit it; you wanted me to give an example).

 

In Manion’s World of Tomorrow, cars won’t be controlled by the driver but by the car next to them.

 

I would empathize more with “protesters” if they were supporting the rights of victims as opposed to criminals. I know that writers and artists are supposed to be more sensitive/empty-headed and all but I just can’t seem to give a shit if a career criminal with health issues dies resisting his 33rd arrest. Not when a 12-year-old boy gets assaulted and curb-stomped and nobody cares because the assailants were the same color as he is.

 

I was asked to write a holiday story for a mainstream magazine, which I did, only to have it rejected for publication because I wouldn’t change the title. It was a heartwarming tale about a family putting up their Xmas tree called “The Erection.” Struggles.

 

Less than 20% of iceberg lettuce is visible from the aisle. “Whoa! This will barely fit in the cart.” Remember to lift with your knees, not your back.

 

My nerd lover was killed by her 50,000-sided die… and she only needed an 18+.

 

I remember a gift given to me by an ex-girlfriend. Truly the Red Rider BB Gun of adult gifts, a handmade coupon book good for 10 blowjobs. I’m sure if she ever gave a similar gift she would make sure to include the following: “Cannot be redeemed all at the same time.” It was the greatest Xmas day ever… but she wasn’t able to move her jaw comfortably until well after the New Year.

 

When the Weather Channel tells you that there is 100% chance of precipitation and then it doesn’t rain, it makes you wonder if they understand what 100% chance of something happening means. Technically speaking, there isn’t even a 100% chance of weather tomorrow. Any weather. I hope the Weather Channel doesn’t start to gamble. I’d hate to get my weather updates from a channel with broken kneecaps.

 

Driving today on a new road that my GPS was unfamiliar with. It showed me plowing through subdivisions and farms without a care. The rest of the drive the GPS’s female voice seemed sultrier … like she thought I was a bad boy. Recognize.

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