The entire Nap Lapkin saga in one place. Send to everyone you've ever met to remind them of how odd you really are.… https://t.co/7CXKnRxgdd (3 days ago)

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Dec
4

great ball of fire (part 4)

If you don’t think that the U.S. government doesn’t have number of specialized spacecraft equipped with a variety of different problem-solving payloads fueled up and ready at a moment’s notice you’re kidding yourself. There are top-secret facilities scattered around the globe that have hangar after hangar stuffed full of vehicles that make stories such as this one possible so let’s just move on shall we?

Nap stood looking up at the towering shuttle when he heard a familiar voice behind him.

“What have you gotten me into now Napkin?”

It was Madonna Axion. Just about the hottest female agent to ever grace whatever department she was working for at any given time. Any other man would have swung his head around at the sound of her approach with a speed that would produce a loud snapping sound and had their lifeless corpse falling to the ground, their eyes eager to drink in the sight of her one last time, but Nap just continued staring up at the towering tribute to man’s need to explore.

“And why is Jeff Goldblum coming with us? You realize you’re an idiot right?”

He finally, albeit slowly, turned around to face her. She looked, as always, spectacular.

She kept talking. “I understand that when the boys in Washington suggested that their science geek go with you on this trip in case anything unusual happened you said, and I quote, “I’ll do you one better” and suggested Jeff Goldblum.” Her eyes rolled ever so slightly. “You understand that Independence Day was a movie right? Not a documentary. That Jeff Goldblum is an actor and not a genius right? How on earth is that ‘one better’ Napkin?”

“On Earth it isn’t … but we’re not going to Earth” Nap said dramatically.

It took her a moment to process his words.

“Holy shit. The comet might as well hit us now and get it over with.”

 

It’s fair to say that Jeff Goldblum was equally unenthusiastic about going into space as Madonna was in having him there. In fact, he was crying as they loaded him into his seat in the ship. Blubbering. Not crying like a school girl, school girls under 200 lbs were incapable of it. It takes a man to blubber. Or, if you want to be totally honest about it, an extremely large school girl.

As long as we’re being honest, it wasn’t much of a secret that the reason Nap wanted Madonna to accompany him on this mission to save the planet was because he wanted to be the first human to have sex in outer space. Madonna was aware of this when she accepted the mission and considered it a small price to pay to be involved in the most important mission that any agent had ever been a part of. She’d had sex with Nap numerous times and the idea of trying it in space seemed completely palatable.

They had barely left the atmosphere before both parties had unbuckled and moved to a quiet section of the ship. Off came the space suits and they attacked each other with a historic ravenousness. A lesser author would spend six pages describing various sex acts that can be achieved in a weightless environment but I have the comfort of knowing I have one of the most perverted readerships of any unknown writer so I only have to start the balls rolling and your imagination can take it from there. The only thing of note is the fact that Nap forgot to bring a condom. This resulted in two noteworthy things; the first being that Madonna reminded him to pull out before achieving a climax. The second was, as it became clear that he was nearing said climax that she began screaming “Pull out!” in such a way that if this story was ever made into a movie that her screaming “Pull out! Pull out!” would definitely make into the trailer due to the energy and sincerity she delivered the lines. Nobody watching would have any idea that she was referring to Nap’s penis. They would assume it was at the end of some intense scene where lives hung in the balance.

I realize that I said that there was one thing to note and that led to two noteworthy things and that in your mind you immediately imagined this as a flowchart where the word “note” appeared in a circle and had two branches off of it containing the words “noteworthy 1” and “noteworthy 2” also appearing in circles and I forgive you. I can’t expect you to be wonderfully perverted and then begrudge the fact that you’re also into diagrams.

As long as this section is trying to be truthful, let me add that I’m sure that some of you are even more perverted than I dreamed possible and some of you have even somehow created a pornographic flowchart where there are things appearing with a circle around them that would make a longshoreman blush.

So Madonna, naked and gleaming with sweat, is yelling “Pull out! Pull out!”, at such a volume that the old expression “In space nobody can hear you scream” is found to be completely inaccurate, so Nap does just that. Maybe it’s the zero gravity or maybe it was the adrenaline of lift-off but he has the most intense orgasm of his life.

Do you know how fast semen leaves the penis during an orgasm? I got two different numbers from two different websites. One, the Kinsey Institute, stated it was 28 miles per hour. The other said it was 31 mph and then went on to compare that to the top speed of a Peruvian Jaguar. That seems oddly specific. Not just any Jaguar, a Peruvian Jaguar. I think I’m going with the 28 miles per hour.

The reason this speed is important is so you can visualize Nap ejaculating and having the sperm shoot out with no gravity to slow it down. On Earth, this data coming from the same source as our Peruvian Jaguar so don’t take this as gospel, the average distance sperm travels is 7-10 inches (although there is mention of a man who shot it 18 feet but I’m not sure I trust that information)… (although perhaps at the time he was being chased by a Peruvian Jaguar) … (which apparently, given his orgasm, he really enjoys) … (and did you find it odd that I asked you not to take this as ‘gospel’, as if information about male orgasms appears in the Bible?) when in the case of Nap his loads just shot out and down a corridor one after another at top speed. His eyes were tightly closed but Madonna couldn’t look away as burst after burst shot out. Five. Six. Seven blasts from his man-cannon, each one expelling a long string of creamy white globules.

I hope for my sake you’ve seen how liquid acts in space. These packets of baby-batter are going to be floating around inside the spaceship for the rest of the story. Nap’s attempts at convincing Madonna to do the right thing and float around and swallow them goes on deaf ears and will eventually, when the story starts to lag and needs a quick lighter moment, lead to one of these salty beads ending up in the eye of Jeff Goldblum.

For the sake of the rest of the story, which is just about to get started, I will let it go at that. Although I’m sure I’ll regret it when for years after writing this I will think of hilarious things that could result from seven discharges of semen floating around a spaceship.

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