The entire Nap Lapkin saga in one place. Send to everyone you've ever met to remind them of how odd you really are.… https://t.co/7CXKnRxgdd (3 days ago)

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Dec
5

great ball of fire (part 5)

After coitus with Madonna a quick bit of rest became priority number one for Nap. He sat back in the Captain’s chair he had installed, the entire command center for the ship was quickly retrofitted to look exactly like the bridge of the U.S.S. Enterprise, and quickly fell asleep.

At some point you might ask yourself why the government was not only willing to believe Nap’s contention that the comet hurtling towards them was somehow conscious but allow him to borrow a shuttle, complete with a knock-off of the Star Trek command center, and commandeer Jeff Goldblum against his wishes.

Because he’s Nap Lapkin.

The feeling amongst most world leaders was that they were lucky he didn’t demand to have Ben Affleck on call 24/7 in case he was needed to say “He doesn’t know how to fail.”

I hope that answers your question. If not you clearly don’t deserve a Nap Lapkin story in the first place.

Nap had dreamt in airplanes and trains and submarines but space was something new entirely.

This is what he dreamt; that he became somehow responsible for assembling every person on the planet to one location to hear some important information. Apparently dreams in space center primarily on logistical problems.

For some reason it was critical to get everyone on the planet together in one location. All 7.6 billion people needed to be together or something terrible would happen. Note that as a writer it pains me to have to state the current number of people on the planet. Nothing dates a work worse than information like that. When my writings become famous and are passed down from one generation to the next the first thing people in January of 3016 will do is laugh at the number of people I give as the world’s population. They will smirk and think to themselves “Damn, back in 2017 there were certainly a lot of people on the planet” or “Only 7.4 billion?” or “What’s a Peruvian Jaguar” or “18 feet was the record? I can do that with one hand now I’m equipped with the new Turbodick 600.” You can see my dilemma.

Try for one minute to truly imagine the logistics behind getting everyone together in one area. It would have to be an enormous flat area where everyone could camp out and wait for whatever announcement was coming. Like a Woodstock on steroids (for readers in January of 3016, in 2017 steroids were actually considered a bad thing and not something you took every morning with breakfast). You would have to engage every car, every boat, every plane and train and bicycle to get everyone from every corner of the globe. You would have to create teams of workers/soldiers to bring the people who didn’t want to come. I know I asked you to take a minute and imagine this scenario but my gut is telling me you just breezed by this request in the hopes of finding another semen joke but I want you to really stop and think about it.

It boggles the mind. It was boggling Nap’s mind in his dream … but he had to try and accomplish it just the same. Every. Single. Human. Brought to the same spot.

A logistical nightmare.

Nap’s head started to jerk from side to side as he slept. Beads of sweat formed on his brow. A bead of his semen floated by, dangerously close to his head (I couldn’t wait any longer).

An endless stream of humanity coming to one spot. Lines and lines of people in China and Australia and the Congo (yes people from 3016, Africa was still made up of different countries and not just a giant theme park) all waiting to be airlifted. Food, water and shelter having to be provided every step of the way.

Nap’s hands began to twitch.

A billion people arriving. Then three billion. Then the last busload of them pulling up and being led to the field. Everyone was there.

Now what?

Nap’s eyes snapped open.

“Fuck.”

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