the secret life of Lance Manion https://t.co/Ki1IlMKIdf (1 week ago)

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Dec
31

Nap Lapkin’s New Year’s Rockin’ Eve (Part 6 of 6)

As Peter, Gotye, Daniel, the guy from Primitive Radio Gods and Natalie walked around letting out their fellow prisoners Chance approached Nap.

“Do you really think the world needs all these hacks coming back at the same time? Can you imagine all the bad music we’ll be setting loose on the world?”

“What else can we do?” asked Nap.

They both seemed lost in thought for a moment.

Finally Chance nodded in the direction of Duncan Sheik as he stumbled around incoherently.

“Can we at least say he was barely breathing when we found him and despite our best efforts he died?”

Nap Laughed. “Well I appreciate you saving me Goodrod so… yes, you can kill Duncan Sheik.”

“Thanks Nap. I fucking hate that guy” and with that he set off with a murderous look in his eyes.

 

I was originally going to use the brothers Phil and Pauley Fuemana, who made up the New Zealand band OMC (Otara Millionaires Club), because of their horrible one-hit How Bizarre but it turns out they both died very young and were therefore ineligible for the honor of being killed by Jeff Goldblum.

How bizarre indeed.

 

Later as they went up the elevator to enjoy the rest of their New Year’s Eve Chance took a deep inhale. Given the size of his nose it was a lot of information for him to take in.

“You have a rather unique choice of colognes Nap” he began. “I’m usually pretty good at recognizing fragrances but I just can’t place yours.”

He took another long whiff.”

“Bleu by Chanel?” he inquired.

“Nope” replied Nap.

“Paco Rabanne’s Invictus?”

“Nope.”

“Acqua Di Gio from Giorgio Armani?”

Nap shook his head.

“Yves Saint Laurent L’Homme Ultime?”

“Nope.”

“Creed by Aventus?”

“Did you really pick up a fruity bouquet of Corsican blackcurrant, Italian bergamot, French apple, royal pineapple, birch and patchouli? You’re better than that Goodrod” said Nap coldly.

“Nautica Voyage?”

“Nope”

“Viktor & Rolf Spicebomb?”

“What about my scent leads you to believe it is a contrasting yet complementing mix of chilli, saffron, leather, tobacco, vetiver, bergamot, grapefruit, elemi, and pink pepper?” replied Lapkin contemptuously.

Bearing down harder Chance sucked in another lung full of Nap.

“I’m getting mint leaves, lemon zest, tonka bean, amber, vanilla, cedarwood, vetiver, and oak moss. Versace Eros?”

“Wrong again. Your nose is as useless as a dick on a eunuch … just much bigger” laughed Nap.

(For fans of the Inception book series a eunuch is a man who’s been castrated. For people who read The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants castration is when a man’s balls are cut off)

(Are you fucking kidding Manion? You spend 210 words listing men’s colognes for no discernible reason whatsoever and you’re going to disparage other authors who dare to actually have a purpose for including something in a story? Writers who are actually successful because they come up with a plausible plot and spend time doing things like reviewing what they’ve written for errors. Are you jealous or just stupid?)

“Jean Paul Gaultier Le Male Maxi?”

“Nope.”

“Only the Brave from Diesel?”

“Nope.”

“Italian Bergamot?”

“Nope. And if you guess Polo I’ll punch you in the windpipe.”Nap said in a manner that indicated he wasn’t kidding.

“Pheromones for Men by RawChemistry?”

“Do you think I need a patented blend of human pheromones to get laid?” Nap said in a manner that indicated that he was actually contemplating punching Chance in the windpipe for such a transgression.

“Lalique Encre Noire? Valentino Uomo? Maison Martin Margiela Replica Jazz Club? Come on Nap, give me a clue” pleaded Goodrod.

At that moment the elevator door proceeded to slide open revealing Madonna Axion in a short red dress with a plunging neckline. She breathed in ever so gently and looked Chance Goodrod in the eyes.

“Michel Germain’s Sexual Paris Pour Homme Eau de Toilette… with a hint of Black Suede” she said, then took Nap’s hand and led him out into the mayhem of Times Square.

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