Gene the hero barber https://t.co/W7nYHzclzC (14 hours ago)

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Feb
6

unnamed story (Part 5)

By the time that Clay pulled into his driveway his phone had rung two more times and even as he opened the car door to extricate himself there were three ex-girlfriends hurling towards his location.

Patti was not going to be pleased.

He wondered what the odds were that of the first survivors, of whatever event had taken place, the first four he’d been in contact with were ex-girlfriends.

Tina, blonde, younger, petite, perky, would be arriving within the hour.

Donna, blonde, younger, petite, perky, was coming from New York City so depending on traffic, i.e. the number of abandoned cars clogging up the bridges and tunnels, she would be dropping in a few hours after Tina.

Denise, blonde, younger, petite, perky, was coming from Chicago so she was still a few days away.

He swung open the front door of the house with as cheery a “Hey Dear!” as he could muster. Patti turned the corner and it was quickly evident she was having none of it.

“How can you say that when we’re the only two people left on Earth?” she said in a tone that made even the plants in the room wither a bit.

“Well, about that …. A bit of good news actually. We’re not actually alone! There are other people alive” he offered up, his mannerisms doing their best to promote the good news.

“Oh thank god! How do you know? I’ve been watching the TV but there’s no news on…” and Clay could sense that she was building up for a good long ramble so he thought he’d just cut her off and end the suspense. Take his medicine. Fess up.

“They called me on my cell. Three different people. There must be tons of people who made it. This must be just the tip of the survivor  iceberg.”

“Who? Who called you? Are they ok?” she said.

“Yes. They’re scared but otherwise their fine. They are coming over so we can all be together.”

“That’s great” Patti said with a small sigh of relief. “Who?”

The question hung in the air for a moment. Suddenly Clay wasn’t so enthusiastic about taking his medicine or fessing up. He knew what was in store.

“Tina and Denise, you remember her from Chicago, and Donna. She lives in New York City now. It was so nice to hear from them. They were so relieved to…”

“I will not have those whores in my house!” Patti said in a tone that made the formerly slightly withered plants in her proximity duck down into their soil and stay there.

“Now Honey…” Clay began.

“Don’t you Honey me Clay! You’re telling me that everyone on the planet seems to have disappeared except for three of your former lovers?!” Patti thundered.

“I knew it!” she continued “I knew this was somehow your fault. How did you do it? Why did you even bother to have me here? Shouldn’t you just murder me now so you can live out your whore fantasy?!” she said louder and even more frenzied than when she thundered her last sentence. Not sure where you go from the word thundered.

“Calm down Honey. You’re being irrational. I have no idea what’s going on but I do know it’s not something that I did… or wanted.”

Patti sat down. It was clear the rant wasn’t over but she wasn’t sure where to go with it. Suddenly she figured it out; a recap.

“So you’re telling me all of my family is gone. All of my friends are gone. Everyone I’ve ever known and loved is gone and to top it all off I have a gaggle of whores set to descend on my home.”

“Just because I dated them doesn’t make them whores.” Clay felt it was time to try and defend himself.

It was a terrible mistake.

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