a cavity to remember
(originally posted 8/29/2012)
I am nothing if not a street-wise traveler. I know if I am visiting one of the many islands that begin with St. that the people there, despite their warm greetings and friendly smiles, hate me. Even as they sell me trinkets and rent me scuba gear I know that they are really thinking about how good I’d look with one of my arms macheted off and laying on the floor next to me with blood squirting out of my shoulder.
It is armed with this knowledge that I am extra careful with my toothbrush. It is common knowledge that the maids in these island hotels enjoy nothing more than finding one of their guest’s toothbrushes lying in the open. I hope it surprises no one that the first thing they do, after making sure that no one is looking, is ram it right up their anus. That’s right… they stick it up their ass and the replace it right where they found it in the hopes that the unwary guest will spend the rest of the trip brushing with it, blissfully unaware that their toothbrush had made a quick trip up the maids backside. And then you wonder why they always smile at you as they pass you in the hallways?!
Well, as it happened I had forgotten to hide my toothbrush one day and upon returning to my room had noticed it lying on the counter next to the sink where I had left it. Well, almost where I had left it. Somehow it looked askew. Lifting one eyebrow ever so slightly I approached my toothbrush and braced myself for the worst. I lifted the utensil to my nose and gave it a quick sniff. Sure enough, the musky odor of ass met my nose with the force of an open-handed slap. I had fallen victim to the ol’ toothbrush trick. The irony that toothbrushes exist to fight cavities did not hit me until the flight home.
So there I was, clutching a good toothbrush that I had paid good money for. I felt like if I just threw it away that somehow my maid would have ‘won.’ So I did the unexpected. I boiled some water and gave the toothbrush a thorough cleaning. Not one molecule of ass would be left on it. Each bristle was lovingly cleansed until no vestige of ass remained. Then I proudly applied some toothpaste and gave my teeth a good brushing! I had reclaimed my toothbrush. I had won.
Then to make my victory complete I sat in my room the next morning until I heard a soft voice at the door announce to me that she needed to clean my room. I welcomed her in and then went promptly to the sink and once again loaded up my toothbrush with Crest. The entire time I stared at her and she at me. Her lips curling slightly into a smile… my lips mirroring hers. Then I slipped the brush into my mouth and began to brush, my eyes never leaving hers. I thought I saw a small shiver run down her body as the brush thrust in and out of my foaming mouth, over my teeth and gums. For a moment I was lost in the concept of this brush having occupied her cavity only 24 hours before and yet here it was back on duty fighting the forces of plague and gingivitis. The maid stood transfixed as my brushing continued minute after minute. If she had only known what a hollow victory it was she was experiencing! After 3 ½ minutes of fevered brushing, the entire time my eyes locked with hers, I saw her falter. She was unable to even change a pillowcase. She suddenly knew I knew. She started to back towards the door. Caught up in the moment my brushing intensified, toothpaste began to drip down my chin and a fine mist of spit floated out of my gaping maw. A sort of terror gripped her as she reached behind her wildly trying to find the doorknob but unable to look away from the brushing spectacle slowly walking towards her. I looked like a minty-fresh mad dog as a low laugh escaped my throat.
She made the sign of the cross as her hand finally found the door and she was able to retreat into the hallway and flee down the spacious corridor choked with fine art on the walls and beautiful native plants in every corner.
As I spit out a mix of Crest, blood and victory into the sink I wondered if anything could ever make me feel as alive as this again.
I never used that brush again, but I still have it.
Oh yes, I still have it.