a few quotes from The Song Between Her Legs (part 2 of 5)

(from The Song Between Her Legs)

I’ve never written to be popular or been popular.

Whenever I’m having a conversation with someone and they blink I immediately think to myself “They just spread a mixture of oils and mucous secretions across the surface of their eyes to keep them from drying out.” Makes it hard to follow what they’re saying but it’s their fault if they’re going to be standing there blinking the whole time.

“Caveat Emptor” = Let the buyer beware. “Just Pay Separate Process And Handling” = The buyer is an idiot who is about to get screwed.

Always remember… a hot knife through butter is fast, but a knife through hot butter is faster.

It seems that the word sweater has a negative connotation built into it. Instead of a cozy item to wear on a cold day it seems to indicate it somehow creates sweat. “He won’t talk eh? Put on the sweater.”

I love pulling a grey hair. It’s like fighting against the ravages of time without actually having to do any exercise. An epic tug.

Typically a fart comes out front to back. This one was more left to right. I was farting and then one-tenth of a second later I was done. Felt great.

Yesterday I got my daily e-mail from a service that sends out requests for guests for various entertainment outlets and among these pleas was “Looking for couples who got engaged in a Costco.” Ironically, I too am looking for these same couples… so I can talk to them about sterilization.

I have a pet rash. I keep him on my arm. Last night at the mall I saw an awkward teenager who reminded me of myself at that age. Nerdy, unfashionably dressed, bad haircut. The whole package. I wanted to go up to him and throw my arm around him and say “I know right now life seems tough and unfair and everything seems an uphill battle but believe me… it gets much worse.”

I’m realizing that a lot of celebrities don’t have the complexion for 60” HD televisions. Hunks of make-up clinging to nooks and crannies as if it had been applied to an English muffin. A bit distracting.

I had a dream last night about camping. When I woke there was a faint smoky smell in the room and crumbs in my bed from the s’mores I had eaten. When I went downstairs I found the kitchen had been ransacked by raccoons. You could argue the sound of this ruckus was the reason I chose to dream about camping or you could believe, as I do, that I dreamt raccoons into existence. And they had antennae and human smiles.

Stalkers, a word of advice: make sure not to lose sight of what put you in that shrub by the window in the first place. Enjoy yourself or march right out and find something else to do with your life.

I can trace some of my problems back to my childhood and the toilet-flushing policy in my house: If it’s yellow let it mellow, if it’s brown also let it mellow. Our house smelled bad.

Read the word revolver. You picture a gun. I did anyway. Now remember that it is named so because it has a revolving cylinder containing multiple chambers and a barrel for firing. The cylinder revolves. This allows the user to fire multiple rounds without reloading and was a giant leap forward over the single barrel weapons that preceded it. Now read the word again. Revolver. Doesn’t it seem different? With the emphasis on “revolve” I get a weird tingle in my brain now. Probably just me.

Replaced all the wooden doors in the house with three inch thick granite ones. I prefer a more dramatic sound when they close behind me. It’s working.

I saw a car stuck in the snow so I quickly pulled in front of it and secured a rope to the front bumper. With one quick push on my accelerator the bumper gave way and I drove off dragging it behind me. I thought to myself “That makes six.”

Traumatic experience #37: When I was a kid I showered at a relative’s house and they handed me a towel and said it was “thick and thirsty.” Ever since I’ve been terrified by the idea of a thirsty towel. Why couldn’t they have just said plush?

The difference between being embarrassed and being ashamed of your behavior is a thin line usually directly connected to alcohol intake. Following that train of thought I have a feeling when I remember last night’s events, or have them recounted for me, I will be revolted.

I don’t mean to brag but I’ll bet that when you hear that someone evacuated their bowels, I imagine it a lot more orderly than you do.

Women seem to violate the laws of gravity, i.e. they are easier to pick up than drop.

Love has gone when you stop kissing, not when you stop fucking.

Spent the night drinking and unsuccessfully trying to come up with a difference between my previous books and the journals kept by Kevin Spacey’s character in “Seven.”

When I’m watching porn there is nothing I hate more than when they show the man and woman initially talking and then cut to them banging away. It’s like when I buy a new car. If I’m in the showroom and I find one I like I don’t want to blink and find myself driving off the lot.

Watching UFC makes me wish cloning technology was much further along. While Barao vs. Faber is an ok fight, Faber vs. Faber would be awesome.

I can never quite relate to people that don’t pick their nose when nobody is looking. Some days time passes leisurely and others it seems to be marching relentlessly forward, determined to return us to a state of unconscious elements. Don’t let circumstances fool you, it’s always the latter.

The only female super hero I thought was ever named appropriately is Wonder Woman. The word “Wonder” can be used as a noun (miraculous deed or event; remarkable phenomenon; something strange and surprising; a cause of astonishment or admiration) or a verb (to speculate curiously or be curious about; to doubt)… much like every woman I’ve ever known. Her weapon? A lasso that compels all beings who come into contact with it to tell the absolute truth. Thank goodness she’s the only gal with one of those.

Whenever you buy anything you are deciding amongst different options provided by different competitors. You are creating a single winner and multiple losers. Given that, I only have one question: “How could you?”

I laid there pretending I was asleep. She laid there pretending to sleep. Introductions can be so awkward.

The professor handed each student a mirror and said “Today we’re going to be studying entropy.”

Tom Hanks was ok as Captain Phillips but I’d rather have seen Emo Philips play the part. Or have Tom Hanks play Captain Emo Philips