a load of information

Take a deep breath; we’re going to be talking about oral sex now. I’m not going to be handing out tips or anything, just a quick overview of the types of girls who give head. I’ll try not to be too judgmental but after all, it’s a pretty important thing so a little judgment might creep in.

There are girls who just won’t.

Guys should avoid them at all cost. You’ll play with the idea that it’s not that important and you can live without it but you can’t.

Just run away.

There are two types of girls who will do it but only grudgingly: those who are good at it and those who aren’t. The ones that will do it but are not very good at it are the vast majority of women. At least 80% of the female population. In fact, no matter how hard you try you will never be able to convince them that other women actually enjoy doing it. They will tell you that every woman fakes it and the taste of cum is just about the most horrible thing you can imagine.

They will often times try to kiss you after you have cum. This is on purpose because nothing would make them happier than for you to have that taste in your mouth. I think this group is divided about down the middle between those that spit your salty treasure and those that will swallow. The ones that swallow will resent every load and actually keep count in their head so when you break up they will look at you and say “37.”

The girls who don’t enjoy giving a blow job but are good at it are one of nature’s cruelest ironies. They know just the buttons to push at exactly the right time to bring the proceedings to an unnecessarily quick climax. Often times the man will cum while yelling “Noooooooooooo!!!!”

If you are a girl and you hear that a lot you can assume you are in this group. Whatever issues you have with the male organ, please try to get over them. I hate to see talent go to waste.

Then there are the other girls. The ones that earnestly enjoy fellating their man. Or any man really.

Like above, there are two subsets of these creatures.

Obviously the woman who is good at it and also enjoys it is the most sought-after prize on the planet. A maestro with her mouth and throat. Able to bring the lucky recipient to the brink and back at will. Highs and lows, unseen twists and turns. A little gag at just the right moment. A thrill-ride that consistently receives 4 stars and 2 thumbs way up.

What else do I need to say about these women?

If you find one, you hold on to them through thick and thin.

Then there is the other faction … the girls who enjoy it but (ironically enough) suck at it. Of course they think they are good at it and no caring man will ever admit to a female who is nice enough to give him head that she’s not as good as she thinks so she rolls along in life wondering why she can’t keep a man despite her love of giving oral. At some point some man has to be brave enough to grab her head and implore her to keep her teeth out of the way unless she wants his dick to end up looking like the tip of a pencil.

All men have been there. Getting blown by a human wood chipper. Every time she gets into a groove suddenly your dick is on the receiving end of a stray incisor. You try to maintain the look of ecstasy on your face as she looks up at your sudden yelp but trying to play it off as nothing when inside you want to rip your dick out of her mouth and bring in another girl to show her how it’s done is not as easy as it might seem.

These will often be the same girls who will cross over the “dirty talk” line. Every man likes a girl to talk a little slutty when she is engaged in the act but sometimes she will say something that even when you’re getting blown will make your head swim a little and wonder “just how fucking damaged is this woman?”

Also, a little drool is nice. If her entire head is soaked, you know you’ve hooked into a bad bj.

Obviously no review of blow jobs would be complete without at least sharing one personal experience. If you write something like this without telling at least one story about a past encounter the reader will just assume that you’ve had nothing but great blow jobs and nothing could be farther from the truth.

For example, one of my first girlfriends. We would always drive out to the middle of nowhere to make out. This was when I was young and hotel rooms and such were out of the question; we had to take what we could get. Anyway, typically our little parking sessions would end in her giving me head in the car. Not bad except for the ending. She was a spitter so as soon as I would cum she would open the car door with an urgency that led the casual observer to believe I just ejaculated 10 cc’s of tetrodotoxin into her cakehole. Spitting is a sharp enough blow to the male ego but by opening the car door the light would suddenly burst forth like a spotlight on an attempted prison break and all the romance of the situation would evaporate as I would have to watch her spitting my seed onto the cold unforgiving ground with that look on her face.

I think you know what look I’m talking about.

That look.

That story might be construed as embarrassing to the girl so I feel it’s only fair I tell you one that makes me look like an idiot. I swear it’s true and looking back even I can’t believe I was so oblivious.

Same girl too.

Like I said, we were very young and I’d go to her house and her parents would let us watch TV in the basement. Big mistake (or was it?). Of course, being young and perpetually horny, I would always end up dry humping her and cumming in my pants.

As soon as I did it I would be mortified but I was under the influence of the most powerful substance in the universe- male hormones- so I couldn’t beat myself up too badly.

What I wondered was why her parents would continually allow me to go downstairs with their daughter and then leave with a giant stain in my pants. It’s not like it wasn’t noticeable. It was this giant wet spot in my crotch and this little scene must have been repeated no less than 20 or 30 times. Me slinking out with a quickly mumbled goodbye and my hands over my groin area. What kind of father allows his daughter to be dry-humped in his own basement?

Maybe the thought of a dork rubbing himself up against his little angel’s leg is more tolerable than the image of her sucking dork cock.

If he knew that she spit I think that it would make him happy on some level. Must be complicated to be a man with a daughter.