a nice hot shower

(originally posted 4/24/2012)

You know, when the stresses of the day start piling up one on top of the other I find that nothing relaxes like a nice hot shower. So it was when I stepped into my shower this afternoon. Personally I prefer my showers very hot. I will only shower if I know that nobody has taken a shower before me for at least 8 hours. I hate to get all soaped up only to feel the hot water fading like a fat horse in the straightaway.

So I adjusted my bathing suit (yes I wear one) and cranked up the heat (because that’s why). Making sure I had my trusty towel within reach (I realize that most people shower naked but there was an incident), a byproduct of my love of Douglas Adams books, I prepared to step in (what do you want to hear? there was an incident at summer camp involving the shower and my nakedness! happy now?).

Ahhhhhhhh the hot water hit my skin and suddenly all was right with the world. Feeling like I needed that something extra today I turned up the hot water just a touch. Soon my muscles began to relax under the searing torrent and I was once again faced with the usual dilemma do I go Axe Phoenix or Axe Kilo as my body wash? Perhaps the hassle of this decision caused me to need a little more heat but I found the handle wouldn’t turn any further it was up all the way. Looking down at my body I realized I was bright red and a fog hung heavily in the enclosed space. I didn’t care though, it just wasn’t hot enough so I forced the handle a little and found I could push it down just a tiny bit further. That was slightly better but I noticed as I was grabbing the knob that my hands appeared swollen. Small blisters were appearing on my chest as well. I reached the decision that any reasonable person would have reached; the water wasn’t hot enough. With both red puffy hands I grabbed the handle and put all my weight into turning it. With that the nozzle began to produce a mixture of water and hissing steam. Soon I could see hunks of my epidermis begin to start sliding off my arms and chest as I stared down at a handful of hair, with shampoo still clinging to it, that had come off of my head as I had attempted to rinse it. I gazed at my arms and saw subcutaneous tissue peeking out beneath the melting layers of dermis. I was too far to turn back now. I gave the handle one last twist and it came off in what was left of my hands.

It began to be difficult to stay upright. The tiles on sides of the shower had begun to start popping off (damn that inferior grout!) and even if one of my eyes hadn’t been blinded by the scalding steam now erupting from the showerhead I was unable to see more than a few inches due to the thick clouds of vapor. Luckily most of the collagens in my skin had been burned away and thus I avoided the Maillard Reaction, nothing is as embarrassing as crispy skin am I right? Clumsily I attempted to put the handle back in and turn off what had started off as water. Fingernails, toenails and an ear clogged the drain as the boiling scarlet water churned around my feet. In a remarkably lucky occurrence I was actually able to stick the handle back in and somehow bring the scorching spray to an end.

The surrounding glass doors had long since fallen off their melted tracks and shattered against the toilet. the broken glass cutting into the crimson tattered rags that were once my feet as I lurched out of the shower in search of my towel. Looking through the one eye that wasn’t sitting melted in an open socket I was able to stumble to the sink and spit out the few remaining teeth that still clung to the gaping maw that was my ruined mouth.

I tell you there is NOTHING like a nice hot shower. A couple of blasts of Axe Touch, which stung like fuck let me tell you, and I’m ready to face the evening.