a porcelain puzzler

Sometimes you just have to sit down and think things through. You can’t just take the easy way out and settle for your first assumption. Take, for example, the issue of overflowing toilets at parties. Most people just aren’t willing to put in a little extra work to figure out why there are a disproportional amount of toilets that get backed up at parties relative to typical day-to-day use.

So I sat down on my thinking chair, ironically enough made of porcelain, and got to thinking.

Some people just jump to the conclusion that someone does it on purpose. Someone clogs the toilet and then leaves.

Nope. That can’t be it. That is far too risky behavior. If you were ever caught you’d be forever known as a ‘clogger’ and your social life would dry up fast. Therefore we can eliminate that as a possible cause.

The next answer that jumps out is pure math. The toilet is flushed more so there would be a higher percentage chance of a clog occurring. Even assuming that a clog “just happens” and is not a result of a particular flusher’s behavior, which is a faulty assumption as any plumber would testify, it comes down to crunching numbers and the numbers tell us that we should not see anywhere near the number of overflow incidents that we do. Not even close. So that eliminates another suspect.

Now we’re getting down to it.

This next one has real possibility. I call it the ‘sparkling anus syndrome.’ SAS says that people at a party, particularly single, sexually-active people, are very conscious of their bodies and if they are forced to take a dump at a party they will over-clean that area to compensate. If they could, they would jump in the shower and hose down the offending area just in case they get lucky at the party. Nobody wants to head into a sexual encounter knowing they have swamp ass. I would suspect that the better looking the crowd the more incidences of SAS would occur. Same with the male/female split, the closer it is to 50/50 the more SAS will come into play. If it’s a sausagefest what guy would bother?

Here is where many people will make a fatal mistake. That scenario sounds good so they will leave it at that and simply blame SAS.

They are forgetting something, though. The same people who would be so conscious of their ass smell would also be very uncomfortable running the risk of being a ‘clogger’. There must be other forces at work here … so the thinking continues.

This is where the porcelain thinking chairs pays off. It puts me in the zone. I’m in the head of the buzzed partygoer with swamp ass and it occurs to me the missing piece of the SAS puzzle.

It comes down to their home plumbing. If your home commode has poor pull then you are going to be very conscious of an unknown toilet and its flushing capacity. If, on the other hand, you have one of these bad-ass toilets that has suction usually only seen on the Space Station and could pull a live squirrel into the sewer without breaking a sweat then you are not as sensitive to the fact that some toilets might not be able to handle a SAS load of paper.

Brilliant!

Show me a good looking person with an awesome home crapper and I’ll show you the ‘clogger’ at any party. I bet the soles of their shoes would still be damp when I busted them.

I’m telling you, a porcelain thinking chair is worth every cent.