a slap in the face

(originally posted 9/22/2012)

Sometimes people can be so thoughtless. I was sitting recently with some of my friends when one of them mentions that it’s been proven that if your hand is bigger than your face then you have an increased risk for certain types of cancer. I am a very health-conscious guy so I found this information interesting and, like most people, before debating the science behind this assumption I would quickly see if my hand was in fact bigger than my face. I had no sooner lifted my hand over my face to see when one of my asshole friends slams it into my face. Here I am trying to see if I am at risk for the world’s leading killer and this is what he comes up with?! To make matters worse, all of the other people sitting us roared with laughter! I swear, it felt like I broke (or at least sprained) my nose.

Looking for ice I quickly retreated into the kitchen where I found the wives of these jackals huddled around a table discussed the gossip of the day. When they saw me coming in with my throbbing nose they quickly came to my rescue and asked if I needed something cold applied. I told them what I needed was friends with a better sense of humor and related to them what had just occurred. It was then that one of them asked if my hand was in fact bigger and I was forced to admit that I had been assaulted before I could find out. Taking my cue I then lifted my hand in front of my face to finally see if I had anything to worry about… and this bitch slams my hand into my face again. What the fuck?! I thought some of these she-witches were going to laugh up a lung.

When did cancer prevention suddenly get so funny? People suck ass.