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Dec
25

A Very Napkin Xmas

I guess in the end it comes down to credibility. Many of you assume that I publish everything I write and, based on some of the total shit I’ve published you’d be justified in holding such an opinion.

But you’d be wrong.

Take for instance a Nap Lapkin story I wrote that I’d intended to publish between my recent serial Great Ball of Fire (see the website Dec. 1-10 2017) and the terrific upcoming Nap Lapkin’s New Year’s Rockin’ Eve which will be on the website during the days leading up to New Year’s Eve. Entitled A Very Napkin Xmas I had planned to post it on the website starting Dec. 22nd. It was about Nap saving Santa’s workshop from Muslim extremist elves that had infiltrated it. A great premise I’ll admit but it had one major flaw.

It wasn’t very funny.

It had a lot of action and Nap killing shooting and decapitating terrorist towel-headed elves, literally two days of it, but not much humorous content and while it was good to vent my frustration using a holiday metaphor to attack the lax US immigration policy it became obvious by the sheer number of elves that Nap was butchering that I’d crossed some sort of line between entertainment and self-indulgence.

It started off well enough; Nap in Afghanistan rescuing a high-ranking official from terrorists only to find that this person had already been tortured and given up the coordinates to Santa’s North Pole location. I included a running joke that he was “clutching a M4A1 5.56mm Carbine. Across his back is strapped a XM2010 Enhanced Sniper Rifle and at his side is holstered a Beretta M9 .45 caliber pistol.”

Next the story finds him at an elementary school doing PR for the government “his hands clutching a M4A1 5.56mm Carbine. Across his back is strapped a XM2010 Enhanced Sniper Rifle and at his side is holstered a Beretta M9 .45 caliber pistol.” His attempts at good will are short-lived as he begins to explain to the children that Christ wasn’t born in December and things only go downhill from there.

“What about Hanukah? What about Ramadan? What about Kwanzaa?”

The children lean forward, anxious for clarification.

“They are also all 100% horseshit” Nap offered bluntly.”

Thankfully he is pulled away quickly when news breaks of an attack on Santa’s compound.

As is my bad habit, the story awkwardly shifts to the North Pole as Nap, “the articulating tracks of his Tucker Sno-Cat moving him through the frozen terrain”, was sent in to save the day. Obviously “his hands clutching a M4A1 5.56mm Carbine. Across his back is strapped a XM2010 Enhanced Sniper Rifle and at his side is holstered a Beretta M9 .45 caliber pistol.”

I would have just deleted the whole thing were it not for the next bit. I laughed for at least five minutes and this is the sole reason I decided to share this horrible story with you here.

There were other units of Special Forces approaching from every angle and when one of them reached Santa’s stables:

“His (Nap’s) radio again bursts to life.

“You know Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixen. Comet and Cupid and Donner and Blitzen. They’re all dead. Copy.”

I don’t know why but I find this quite possibly the funniest thing I’ve ever thought of.

I guess you had to be there … inside my head.

Eventually Nap, “his hands clutching a M4A1 5.56mm Carbine. Across his back is strapped a XM2010 Enhanced Sniper Rifle and at his side is holstered a Beretta M9 .45 caliber pistol”, is cornered by a number of “ignorant Hajjis” and just when all is looking bleak a machete-wielding Chance Goodrod (better known to non-Lance Manion readers as Jeff Goldblum) comes crashing in through a large window in the front of Santa’s workshop on a motorcycle to help Nap clean up the rest of the elven scumbags.

Realizing at this point the story sucks I scramble to come up with something to save it and “at that precise moment a large bed descends from the wall and in walks Mrs. Claus in a red bustier and white fishnet stockings.”

You guessed it. I tried to save the story by having Nap, Chance  and Santa pull a festive Xmas train on Mrs. Claus.

“Ho ho ho” laughs Santa as he fumbles with his big black belt.”

Even I’m embarrassed at this ending and I‘ve written some of the worst endings to ever grace the internet.

My Xmas gift to you was that I deleted the story.

You’re welcome.

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