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Aug
11

a wonderful thought… ruined

(originally posted 5/3/2018)

 

So I overheard a woman marveling at the fact that a tiny seed can end up growing into a mighty redwood. Presumably mighty because of its size. I wondered to myself if she ever sat back and truly appreciated how amazing it is that a human embryo grows into the most intelligent creature to ever walk the Earth.

I got the feeling she didn’t. Women, am I right?

Size matters.

This is where most people, when wondering to themselves, will call it a day and stop wondering.  They have wandered the safe wondering territory and then they head back to reality ready and eager to deal with life on its own terms.

I wondered one too many wonders. A common problem for me it seems. I wondered what life would be like if humans grew like trees. We started out the same size as babies but we kept growing straight up like trees do.

Now I got you wondering haven’t I?

The first thing you’re probably wondering is proportion. Do we all shoot up to redwood, 300 feet tall status or are we more modest in our growth? You could even make the argument for humans continuing to grow at the same rate we do when we are children. Of course this line of wondering grinds to halt when you realize that if you double in size every year for 80 years you’ll soon have problems getting enough oxygen in the inky blackness of space. Either that or you have to imagine a race of giant hunchbacks crawling around the planet.

Let’s just make 300 feet the ceiling in this wondering.

You’d have to wonder, given the PC world we live in, if different races would grow to different heights just like tree species. I’m definitely going to leave you to wonder about that on your own. I hope you appreciate how many funny and terribly racists things I’m leaving on the table here.

Dwarves could be shrubs. Just saying… no judgment here.

I would imagine that dating older men would be far more hazardous to younger women. Hazardous to their vaginas to be more specific. How this would change the culture is really Grade A wondering material. How this would change the porn industry is really Grade Z stuff but it probably won’t stop you from doing a little wondering in that direction.

If you’re waiting for me to say something like “getting wood” or “laying the lumber” you’re obviously thinking of trees and not people. I never asked you to imagine tree people. Just normal people but enormous in scale.

Hopefully there are some of you indignant that I’m even having to mention the role of sex in this new world we’re wondering about and you’ve already started to wonder about the toll that this new size will have on our limited resources. I like to pretend that my audience isn’t made up entirely of deviants and cretins so wonderings like that are perfectly in line with my desired demographic. Wonder on smart person!

But you do also have to wonder how awesome it would be if you’re a 45 year old man and you’re whipping out a 34 foot erection. And the truth is I do sort of picture it as having tree-like qualities.

Damn it, you can see why I shouldn’t be allowed to wonder to myself and then wonder out loud. I have this relatively interesting premise and all I can seem to attract are readers who envision giant tree people lumbering around tearing apart the vaginas of slutty younger girls trying to get free drinks (in a world where drinks must certainly be highly prized) or ahead at the company that makes shirts in one thousand sizes.

One last try at a reasonably intelligent observation about a planet populated with 300 foot tall humans…

Seating! Chair sizes would vary wildly. How could you be expected to operate a restaurant?

And would people yell “Timber!” every time someone tripped?

What? No! Of course not! They’re not fucking tree people. What don’t you understand about this? Stop with the fucking tree people.

Ever wonder why you suck at wondering? Leave the damned wondering to experts like myself. Just look at the mess you’ve made of this.

Happy? Giant fucking tree people when all I asked you to wonder about is people larger than normal.

It’s a wonder I even bother.

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