(originally posted 1/10/2020)
Medical professionals across the globe are scrambling to understand what police are calling ‘Sudden Pirate Syndrome.’ What causes the unusual symptoms remains a mystery but those afflicted experience a sudden onset of what can only be described as violent buccaneer behavior, complete with swashbuckling the shit out of anyone nearby.
Over thirty people have already been killed by SPS sufferers and the body count continues to climb.
The last attack was captured on security cameras inside a posh midtown restaurant. As you can see the middle-aged woman you see circled in red enters the eatery looking and acting quite normal. She steps out of frame for only a few moments to sit down with friends when suddenly she begins wielding a scimitar and cutting down any who oppose her.
We go now live to our reporter Sarah Johnson standing outside the restaurant.
“Sarah, can you describe the mood there?”
“Absolutely. Everyone is shocked and saddened by this most recent attack.”
“I can imagine. What I’m particularly interested in is where this woman got the pirate outfit.”
“Well Sarah, when the woman enters the restaurant, she is wearing a blue pant suit. She is led to a table off-camera and moments later she returns to frame but she is not only wielding a scimitar but she is dressed as a pirate.”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean she has on a large pirate hat emblazoned with a skull and crossbones, an eyepatch and appears to be wearing a long jacket and bloomers. Where did she get them from? How was she able to change into this outfit so quickly before starting her savage attack on fellow customers?”
“I’m not really sure. Would you like me to interview any of the eye witnesses? I’m sure they will describe her a quiet woman and be at a loss as to what made her commit this heinous crime.”
“No. No friends or acquaintances. Not unless they can explain how a middle-aged woman who goes on a killing spree suddenly has access to pirate garb.”
“Listen, this was just supposed to be a funny little story and the addition of the eye patch is essential in making sure the viewing audience associates the violent behavior with pirates.”
“Sounds like lazy writing to me.”
“Be that as it may, if you dissect every attempt at levity by asking questions that are, of course, impossible to answer you’re going to kill the humor. Perhaps you could argue that by adding the overcoat and bloomers the writer pushed it too far but, in his defense, he did decide against the peg leg and parrot on her shoulder.”
“So, we’re supposed to find it more believable just because there wasn’t a parrot involved?”
“Yes. Yes you are. It’s funny. Normal people suddenly turning into pirates.”
“If you say so Sarah.”
“I do. This is Sarah Johnson, signing off from yet another bizarre ‘Sudden Pirate Syndrome’ incident.”