accentidents will happen

I came up with a new word. Accentident. It means a mishap or detrimental event caused by a miscommunication resulting from one of the people in a conversation having a thick accent (also add accentidentally).

I guess I’m just sick of foreigners. I know … that makes me a bad guy but I am. Sick of trying to understand foreign tongues, sick of being embarrassed because I don’t know the difference between a Japanese guy and a Chinese guy by looking at them. Don’t even get me started on trying to tell the difference between someone from the Middle East and a Pakistani. I always feel like I’m one wrong word away from getting beheaded at the mall.

Foreigners are for when I am visiting another country! I like foreigners when I am walking around with a camera, my wallet full of their silly looking currency and snapping pictures of their ruins and barefoot children. Talk whatever way you want as you ask me for change or if I want my hair braided … that’s why I came. Just not in my country. Call it foreigner fatigue. How can I enjoy other cultures and other languages if I never get a break from them? I don’t want foreign things in my back yard!

I want to be surrounded by people who look like me, who talk like me and who act like me.

There. I said it. Is that so wrong??

I feel like I’m trapped at the It’s A Small World exhibit at Disney!

I’m sick of Mexican comedians yelling and gloating about how they are taking over the country. Congratulations … in 20 years the U.S. will be just as big a shithole as Mexico. Yippee. Nice work, Señor.

I’m sick of ‘Native’ Americans still being here. I know they were here first but when we arrived all friendly they tried to scalp us and tie us down to anthills with honey on our eyelids so we had to defend ourselves and kick their ass. Then they didn’t even have the good taste to vacant the continent like the loser of a war should. Common decency says the losers slink off into oblivion. Nope. Instead they sit around being alcoholics, running casinos and crying about how we throw our trash on the side of the road.

I guess I really should learn to tell the difference between a Japanese man and a Chinese man after all. One is polite and allows us to film a nice movie like Lost in Translation in their country and the other ships over an inflatable pool 10′ x 5′ without a warning on the box that it does not include a pump and the purchaser of said pool will be required to spend their entire Memorial Day blowing up the fucking thing. It’s just a matter of time until we’re at war with one of these guys (and here’s a hint … it’s not the one with the annoying game shows).

And is it too much to ask to buy a damn Slurpee and a muffin without getting a forced lesson in Arabic? Honestly. I’m not a mean person but I just want to stop in a grab a snack! I remember a time when I could do that. Figure out how to use the fucking register before I get there ok? And why the fuck do the people who want to buy lottery tickets come before those trying to pay for their items?!

I can’t even remember a time where I ordered food through a drive-through speaker and the voice on the other end didn’t sound like someone from the bar scene in Star Wars.

How many more accentidents will it take for everyone to decide to go back to wherever it is they came from and learn to be happy there? Look at the French. If they can stand to live surrounded by other Frenchmen then anybody can make a go of it in their own country!

Really. If you do, I promise to visit …barring an accentident at the airport.