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Jun
13

all is Fair in love and war

It’s not like I’m a detective or anything. I think it was obvious to anyone that the girls in the audience were trying to get in touch with something; it’s just that I never suspected exactly what. Why I was even at a Lilith Fair concert is a long and uninteresting story but suffice to say it wasn’t to hear Sarah McLachlan whine away at a piano. Even if you’re not a detective you’ll probably assume it had to do with getting laid and you’d be right.

Looking back I’m not sure what made me pay attention but there were just so many odd little things piling on top of each other that I guess my interest was piqued. It was August and hot as balls (ironic given the crowd, I know) and yet there were all these little moist spots on the ground. At first I just assumed that some of the females were just really enjoying the show but when I started to watch some of them individually, they were acting weird. At the time I wondered if my mind was just playing tricks on me to escape the endless droning of Paula Cole, Shawn Colvin and Jewel, a way to pass the time without giving in to the temptation of running screaming back to the car and therefore losing any chance to bang my date, but soon it was clear that something was going on.

But what?

Then I saw it. Girls in short skirts sitting on these moist patches. I’d like to say I’m not a perv and when they opened their legs a little I didn’t immediately focus all of my attention there in hopes of getting a quick glimpse but I can’t. That’s exactly what I did.

I wish I hadn’t, for from beneath their panties a thin little proboscis emerged and snaked its way into the soil. I had spent plenty of time exploring the region between a female’s legs and I had never once seen any hint that they were packing one of these little probes but there it was clear as day. My mouth went dry. What the fuck I had just seen?

Whatever it was I saw it repeated again and again as the day dragged on. What were these freaks doing? Were they aliens or was it just that women had a special little friend between their legs that they never bothered to tell us males?

And what was with these little damp areas on the ground?

I did what any red-blooded American man would do. I crouched down when nobody was looking, pulled my shorts to the side and touched a wet spot with the tip of my dick.

There was a brief surge of what felt like electricity running through my tool and everything went white for a second. Then I heard these voices in my head. Not exactly voices, more like the way I imagine a computer feels when it downloads something.

Lilith was a woman. The first woman. Before Eve. She was not formed from the rib of Adam but created independently. And independent she was. A real firecracker. Adam tried to reel her in a bit but she was having none of it. Finally he demanded that she lay under him when they had sex and she refused. She liked to ride. They got into it and she decided to split. Adam was pissed and went to God and complained about her.

I took a breath. I hadn’t thought to take one for over a minute.

God sent angels to talk to her but Lilith said “Fucketh that noise.” They threatened to blame her for sudden infant death syndrome and wet dreams but she could not be swayed so God was forced to grab a rib from Adam and make him a more agreeable wife.

Lilith was at the show. Under the show to put a finer point on it. She travels the world telling her side of the story. They plant her under the grass before every show and she gets the opportunity to remind females that their sexuality isn’t something to be demonized but celebrated. She wants to tell the world to ignore the chatter of the sexist angels and do their own thing.

All of this through my penis. I couldn’t help but feel that although I wasn’t getting the whole message due to the fact that my penis wasn’t exactly built for reception and that there was some vital stuff I was missing, I was being made privy to some pretty amazing insights.

Eve wasn’t the first woman? How was it that I’d never been told this? How could it be that Lilith was not only still alive but obviously being transported around and buried and dug up on a regular basis?

I stared ahead blankly.

How could it be that such a rebel was behind the whole Lilith Fair tour and yet the music sucked so bad? They couldn’t get Ani DiFranco?

And, most importantly, just how many blotters of California Sunshine had I taken before the show?

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