all of us are confused (unless it’s just me)

Been watching a lot of Korean television recently, courtesy of Netflix, the latest being a zombie show called All of Us Are Dead. If I’m being totally honest it was a bit disappointing after how much I enjoyed Alice in Borderland.

“Hold on a tick Manion” I hear you saying, “Alice in Borderland is Japanese, not Korean.”

Which brings me to my point… which I’m almost afraid to articulate.

(deep breath)

I would enjoy all of these Asian series much better if I could tell the actors apart. There. I said it.

Is it just me? Am I the only one who gets confused? Does this make me a terrible person?!

In the case of All if Us Are Dead, which is set in a high school where all the kids wear friggin’ identical uniforms no less, if I had a won for every time I sat looking confused and asking myself “Is that the good kid or the bad kid?” I’d be ass-deep in wones.

Apparently Koreans and Japanese folks have no problem telling each other apart, but Netflix should step in when they decide to air these shows in the United States and figure out a way to make the kids look different.

I’m not trying to be a dick. Nobody makes a good scary movie like the Japanese (or is it Koreans? I can never tell), but it’s frustrating to constantly be baffled as to who is who.

I could never date an Asian girl, despite how attractive I find them.

I watch those documentaries where there are thousands of penguins sitting on a hunk of ice and somehow a mother penguin is able to figure out which chick is hers. How? They all look identical to me. What if my Asian girlfriend introduced me to her friends and I lost track of her?

On the other hand, breakups in Korean can’t be as difficult. If we say “there’s plenty of other fish in the sea” over here, where we’ve got a dozen or more physical variables in play, I can only imagine the advice being dished out in the land of sardines. If big-breasted blondes think casting calls in Hollywood are tough, try being an actress auditioning in Hallyuwood (the informal term used to describe the Korean-language entertainment and film industry in South Korea).

And yes I realize that today will be the day that some lovely Korean girl will visit my website, lured in by the intriguing book titles (such as The Ball Washer), only to read this post. All I can say to this lovely creature is that I’d make a pretty shitty penguin as well.

There would be some sort of nice closed-circle thing going on if penguins ate sardines, but I’m too distracted to Google it. Distracted because although I am supporting their movies, I feel like I’m also being rude implying that Korean girls are ‘sardines.’

In fairness, if you look at who is busy developing facial recognition software, its China, Singapore and Japan. Coincidence? I’m guessing even some of those folks struggle a little bit every now and then. I bet they don’t even bother putting up Most Wanted posters at their Post Offices. The police would be called in every ten minutes.

All I’m saying is, would a few name tags kill anyone? Hand out a few hats and glasses for fuck’s sake. Sprinkle in a brunette or redhead every now and then. I would estimate I spend at least 35% of each show thinking the dialogue is coming from the wrong character. I’ve endured dozens of nonexistent plot twists. Five episodes into most of these series and I’m exhausted trying to follow along.

So that’s my tidbit of advice to Netflix; know your audience and give us at least a fighting chance to enjoy your foreign content.