and in conclusion pt. 1

(originally posted 5/31/2017)

If life hands you lemons and you don’t like lemonade, then what?

I hate when I’m listening to someone being interviewed and they respond to a question by saying “Well, that could be a whole show right there.” You’re ON a whole show, dimwit. Stop taking yourself so seriously and answer the fucking question!

The magic of movies is that from the most unlikely source something profound can emerge. Something transformative. A simply truth that transcends the moment. Such was the case in “Kindergarten Cop” when an adorable little tyke stepped up and uttered the words that would forever change me: “Boys have a penis, girls have a vagina.”

Nothing tells me that the person I’m listening to is a complete moron faster than hearing the words “You know what I’m saying?” said after every sentence. I want to explain that if at any time they lose me in their incoherent babbling, I will stop them and say “I don’t know what you’re saying,” but otherwise they should assume I’m on board and not keep asking me because it makes me want to shoot them in their empty head.

The next time you see a group of teenagers laughing at you, just remember that when you were a teenager you would have laughed at you too.

Every time I see a dead fox by the side of the road, I wonder if the car that hit it was particularly wily.

Just imagine that you’re wood pulp. Sitting there not knowing if you’re destined to be a newspaper, a post-it note, or toilet paper.

The married man scrunched up his face and thought “For better or worse is one thing, but poison ivy? She looks hideous!”

Earlier today, I was driving with the window down and I couldn’t help notice how loud the crickets sounded. Then I realized it was one particular cricket. I know you’re expecting me to say that there was a 40-foot high cricket crashing through the brush next to the road… but don’t be stupid. That wouldn’t make any sense at all. It’s actually insulting that you believe I would say something like that. It was actually a normal-sized cricket. Running 50 mph next to the car.

I started out thinking the best way to explain how easy it is for a centipede to manage all those legs would be to give an example of how a one-armed creature might think that a second would be unwieldy when it’s not. Then of all a sudden I was wondering if I had to choose between one arm or one leg which I would choose, i.e. did I want to spend my life crawling around and pulling myself forward with an arm or did I want to hop around with no way to grab anything? It’s exhausting being me.

Sitting on the couch watching TV last night, I got so sleepy. My eyelids were so heavy I could barely keep them open. Even I had to admit to myself how adorable I must have looked.

As lowbrow as it may be, I can’t help thinking to myself how funny the mascot of the Hershey Bears of the American Hockey League could be if they changed the name of the team to the Squirts.

I’m not sure what to make of a man who drives an enormous truck yet also has an enormous penis.

Throwing the baby out with the bathwater seems more serious than you’d think. Especially when you’re babysitting.

One of the downsides of being a serial killer is not being able to keep a dream journal for fear that it would end up being used against you at the trial. Probably the number one reason I’m not a serial killer.

Most people are so terrified that others will discover their flaws, they don’t realize that they’re the only endearing things about them.

A trip to Costco answers the question of what to do with the spare room. “That’s our crackers and chips room.”

Sometimes you write a story so powerful that it makes you wish you knew how to use Photoshop so you could paste the face of a koala onto the body of one of the Planet of the Apes soldiers.

Ever get introduced and feel you could have used further ado?

I watched a nature show where a lion toyed with a young deer for hours before consuming it. During that time there were moments where it showed it genuine affection. Yesterday at the deli I saw a fat guy do the same thing with a corned beef sandwich.

If Christians really believe that Jonah was able to live in the belly of a whale (or Dhul-nun living in the belly of a fish, I assume it was a whale shark, if you prefer Islam), don’t you think that at least one of them, given the large number of both whales and whale sharks, would have looked into this as a possible solution to homelessness?

You want me to believe it’s a coincidence that the same day an Africanized man was shot in St. Louis a colony of Africanized bees killed someone in Arizona?

You’re going to tell me that “off the beaten path” doesn’t refer to masturbation when two of the four words are beaten and off?

Happy Columbus Day! It IS Columbus Day, not Indigenous People Day. Columbus discovered America and anyone who thinks differently is wrong. Before he arrived it was an empty wasteland. He literally brought the trees and animals to America.

If you know the thread count of your towels, we are not going to get along. I may not have it all figured out as of yet, but you clearly have no idea what’s going on around you.