and in conclusion pt. 2

Sitting on the couch watching TV last night, I got so sleepy. My eyelids were so heavy I could barely keep them open. Even I had to admit to myself how adorable I must have looked.

As lowbrow as it may be, I can’t help thinking to myself how funny the mascot of the Hershey Bears of the American Hockey League could be if they changed the name of the team to the Squirts.

I’m not sure what to make of a man who drives an enormous truck yet also has an enormous penis.

Throwing the baby out with the bathwater seems more serious than you’d think. Especially when you’re babysitting.

One of the downsides of being a serial killer is not being able to keep a dream journal for fear that it would end up being used against you at the trial. Probably the number one reason I’m not a serial killer.

Most people are so terrified that others will discover their flaws, they don’t realize that they’re the only endearing things about them.

A trip to Costco answers the question of what to do with the spare room. “That’s our crackers and chips room.”

Sometimes you write a story so powerful that it makes you wish you knew how to use Photoshop so you could paste the face of a koala onto the body of one of the Planet of the Apes soldiers.

Ever have a fart that relaxes your ass to the point you feel you could back a truck up into it?

Ever get introduced and feel you could have used further ado?

I watched a nature show where a lion toyed with a young deer for hours before consuming it. During that time there were moments where it showed it genuine affection. Yesterday at the deli I saw a fat guy do the same thing with a corned beef sandwich.

If Christians really believe that Jonah was able to live in the belly of a whale (or Dhul-nun living in the belly of a fish, I assume it was a whale shark, if you prefer Islam), don’t you think that at least one of them, given the large number of both whales and whale sharks, would have looked into this as a possible solution to homelessness?

You want me to believe it’s a coincidence that the same day an Africanized man was shot in St. Louis a colony of Africanized bees killed someone in Arizona?

You’re going to tell me that “off the beaten path” doesn’t refer to masturbation when two of the four words are beaten and off?

Happy Columbus Day! It IS Columbus Day, not Indigenous People Day. Columbus discovered America and anyone who thinks differently is wrong. Before he arrived it was an empty wasteland. He literally brought the trees and animals to America.

If you know the thread count of your towels, we are not going to get along. I may not have it all figured out as of yet, but you clearly have no idea what’s going on around you.