and in conclusion pt. 3

I sincerely believe that the current WWE champion should also serve as the US Ambassador to the United Nations.

I’m envious of the way the butter embraces the toast.

I don’t know how to define pornography but I know it when I see it every day.

I had a lot of dogs growing up. My father loved puppies. Their energy, the way would endlessly romp around and show their affection. So much so that after a year, he would kill them and buy a new puppy. I had a lot of dogs growing up… and moms. My father loved honeymoons.

Just thought of a good premise for a Halloween story” “The Pumpkin Who Came Alive And Complained All Night About The Candle Inside It.” Someone remind me to write it next year.

I am a grizzled veteran on the War on Women, with three Purple Hearts no less.

It was a particularly poor choice of words to ask Darryl, an aspiring chef, to put his career on the back burner.

I’m sick of hearing about what we’re learning from insects. You don’t think they’ve picked up a thing or two from us?

Only two more weeks until the 2015 Babes of Feminism calendar comes out! A soapy Pam Allen washing up her pick-up truck, a bikini-clad Jane Alpert, Lauren Bethell in a French maid’s outfit, the sexy cop D.A. Clarke… mmm mmmmmmm!

I’m not letting the failure of my first children’s book, the whimsical one concerning erectile dysfunction, get me down. I am determined to get into the lucrative genre so I will soon be sending out two new books to publishers to see if there is an interest: “Leon The Vegan Lion Starves To Death” and “Eric The Three-Legged Horse Comes In Last.” Hopes are high.

The carrot is the stick.

Why is it as a kid, I assumed that when Superman ejaculated that he killed the woman? Relationships haven’t gotten any easier.

I like when I get so pissed that I grab the wrong end of a metaphor and beat the shit out of it. Earlier today: “It’s not even the tail wagging the dog. It’s the tail wagging a larger tail. A giant fucking tail sitting there with another tail sticking out of it. Wagging.”

If I was working for a company that I knew was monitoring which websites I visited while at work, I would start each and every day by going to the most twisted hardcore ‘70’s Vietnamese bestiality snuff porn site I could find. The kind where you’d need to drop napalm between the legs of the lead actress just to get through her thick bush.