and in conclusion pt. 7
Show me a salad bar and I’ll show you an old man going the wrong direction like a spawning salmon. Places like Ruby Tuesday’s should have a salad bar bear.
She never liked morning sex. She said her vagina always had a “left out all night” feel to it.
My grandma always used to say “If it walks like a duck and quacks like duck, it’s a duck.” The problem was that she couldn’t tell the difference between a duck and a goose. So in a way, she unintentionally taught me a great life lesson.
I don’t really have a problem with feminism but when I saw her buying the Just For Men, it was the last straw.
Are initials and hearts carved into them the tree equivalent of ink? Does it make them the most bad-ass tree in the forest?
For reasons I can’t explain, whenever someone asks me to “step right this way,” I make an exaggerated step forward with my right foot.
Tips for the fashionable outdoorsman: After you’ve shaved off your bush, the freckles are most likely ticks.
If Bruce Jenner can be a woman, then Rachel Dolezal can be black. You can’t have it one way and not the other. I would know… I’m a giraffe.
People who ask me why I don’t wash my hands after going to the bathroom clearly don’t appreciate how clean I keep my genitalia. In fact, after peeing, I should wash my dick.
Whenever I’m out for a walk, I always see the same scenario: an in-shape girl walking with her chunky boyfriend. He thinks it’s just a nice romantic stroll and is completely unaware that she is trying to walk off his extra weight. He doesn’t suspect a thing as she keeps up a brisk pace. She keeps sneaking a look over at his jiggly stomach to see if it’s gotten any better. She just won’t accept that he is flabby and that they will run out of country before he loses any weight walking. They could start in Nebraska and walk until they are neck-deep in the ocean and he’s still going to be fat. Poor man. Poor woman.
Most of the humor in Marmaduke comes from his enormous size. Same with my penis.
A Netflix spokesperson has issued a statement defending the comedic content of the Adam Sandler film Ridiculous 6 after approximately a dozen Native American actors reportedly walked off the set on Wednesday, saying they were “offended” by the flick’s stereotypical subject matter. While actor Loren Anthony said that he understands the film is meant to be satirical, he believes some of the jokes were taken too far. “We were supposed to be Apache, but it was really stereotypical and we did not look Apache at all. We looked more like Comanche,” he said. To get them to come back, it took three jugs of whiskey, two blankets and some shiny beads.
I wonder if men headed to prison ever consider stretching out their assholes a bit.
Whenever I’m drinking something as I pee, I somehow expect my urine stream to get stronger.
One thought leads to another… thinking about how much my erect penis reminds me of a gavel leads me to think about how hard it would be for a judge to bring a court to order with one that had the properties of my flaccid dick.
People hear that Lamar Odem was found unresponsive after a three day binge of cocaine and prostitutes and they feel sympathy? If they want to feel sympathy they should check out what they did the last three days.