I don’t consider myself to be homophobic nor do I have a history of being embarrassed about people seeing my junk. Many people who have attended parties with me can testify to that. Parties or picnics. And the occasional wedding can have me exposing myself. The point being that I’m not sure why I am so creeped out about being in a public bathroom and seeing someone looking around as they pee. I just want them to follow the code and keep their eyes front and center. Don’t be looking around like you’re at the zoo.
So it was that I was standing next to one of these twisted potty voyeurs and every time his eyes would come hurtling towards me I would shuffle up a bit and sink in a little deeper into my bowl. It wasn’t until I felt the cold porcelain on the tip of my dick and realized my balls were straddling the urinal cake that I realized how far in I was leaning. It was all I could do not to pull out, turn, and then begin urinating on him as I screamed “enjoying the show?!”. I would have but I was way too far along into my own urination and I didn’t think I had it in me to reach him with my stream of urine. I was basically finished except for a few last spurts and I think it would be humiliating to try to pee on him and then not be able to deliver the goods.
After he leaves I give myself a quick once-over and see that I’ve got a ring of piss around my jeans and underwear from leaning into the urinal so far. After picking off a few curly hairs that were clearly not my own I went to the sink to freshen up.
That’s when it dawned on me that I had been using the same urinal all weekend. For reasons best left unsaid, I was trapped at a convention that weekend and had visited the same public washroom at least half a dozen times over the last 2 days. Each time I had selected the same urinal. There were 5 and I chose the 2nd to last one. Interesting. I wonder what a shrink would say about that. Of course, I didn’t think to wonder what a shrink would say about me standing there under the air dryer trying to get rid of a ring of piss but I guess nobody would want to hear that analysis. Obviously you don’t want to stand at the first urinal. That goes without saying. That urinal is clearly for the guy who barely made it to the bathroom and needs to piss badly. The middle one is also not an option… it seems to be inviting conversation. The ‘social’ urinal if you will. The last one would be way too confining if trouble broke out. I’d hate to get trapped against the wall if there was some sort of bathroom brawl. So that leaves the 2nd urinal or the 2nd to last urinal. I went 2nd to last each time. I’m not sure why, but to me that is by far the coolest urinal. I’m sure you agree and while you don’t fully understand the reasoning behind it you probably find me a little bit more hip for knowing my urinal selection.
So all that time at the dryers gave me some time to observe an odd phenomena. After watching about 10 guys emerge from the toilets I noted that 9 out of the 10 of them washed their hands. Perfectly understandable after a closed-door session. What I noticed that was odd though was that most of them gave their hands a quick blast of water and then dried them quickly and without any real effort. It was almost more ritualistic that anything. As if they were afraid someone would see them not wash them and avoid shaking their hands later.
Then came the other group of hand washers.
The ones who came over with purpose. They seemed to wash a particular area of their hands. Dare I even say they scrubbed a little too hard.
They were the guys that actually got shit on their hands.
One guy in particular started soaping up the bottom of his thumb and then worked up a lather all the way down to the fingernail. How fucking hard does this guy wipe? At what point does he realize that he has his thumb actually in his ass?
Suddenly I was the guy looking around the bathroom. Capt. Brownthumb looks over and I’m staring right at him and, for neither love nor money, I couldn’t look away. I was just staring slackjawed at his wiping hand. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had the occasional slip up while I’m wiping that has my hand unexpectedly plunging into the DMZ so I wasn’t being judgmental. I was just fascinated.
Then I realized he was looking at me with my legs open and the hot air nozzle pointed right down into my pants and he was fascinated.
You want to talk awkward.
So what did I learn?
Well… if someone wants to watch me pee I’m going to just have to learn to be ok with that unless I want to walk around the rest of the day with a ring of dried urine around my pants. And second, if I get some shit on my hand I need to just wash my hands like normal after I’m done and hope I get it all off ok so I don’t draw attention to myself and then have everybody know I got shit on my hand.
Oh… and the 2nd to last urinal is the cool one… but I already knew that. Even if there are 7. If there are 3 then I would suggest risking the bathroom brawl and going to the last one in the corner over the ‘social’ middle urinal.