be a better pig

I’ve taken a liking to whistling at ugly girls. Fat girls. Old girls. You can’t believe how it makes their day. While attractive girls get all insulted or pretend they don’t hear, every time I do it to a plain Jane they quickly look around and when they realize I’m whistling at them they get the biggest smiles on their face. It’s so refreshing to turn this primitive sexist gesture into something positive!

My spirits buoyed by these acts of cultural-norms disobedience I’ve also stopped opening doors for beautiful women. I’ve always been an old fashioned guy but the rush I’ve been getting from walking through a door and then letting it close behind me as some piece of ass walks behind me is amazing. Sometimes they walk into the glass door like a 105 lb. sparrow… their minds unable to grasp the concept of some nerd not falling all over himself to hold the door ajar for their easy passage. The real homeruns have been when I hold it open for some 350 lb. woman, smiling broadly, and then let it slip from my hands when she’s through as if there is no one behind this wildebeest in a dress as the runway model girl behind her fights to internalize what has just happened. It’s priceless.

I’m telling you guys, there is nothing like the feeling of watching the elevator doors close on a set of 34Ds in a halter top rushing towards you. It’s fantastic. Same thing on a train. When faced with a decision of which girl to sit next to, plop down next to the homely girl across the aisle from the Victoria’s Secret wannabe and start chatting as if you’re hanging on her every word.

I literally remember the days of slowing down next to a cute blonde in a convertible to ‘check her out’ like some Pavlovian reject. It’s been so refreshing to pull up next to this same girl at a light and just gaze absentmindedly ahead knowing every second I avoid eye contact with her is like press-on nails on the chalkboard of her ego. In a perfect world an acne-ridden hunchback would then walk by on the sidewalk so I could whistle and slap the roof of my Ford Taurus. Making someone feel good is such a buzz. Why waste whistles and comments on jaded hotties who’ve come to expect and even resent them when this same behavior can literally change the way a girl feels about herself?

It makes chauvinism easier to swallow. (Insert joke here)