celebrating the anniversary of “Two weeks to flatten the curve”

(originally posted 3/22/2020)

Well isn’t this nice?

Front row seats to the apocalypse.

Nothing to do now but sit back and watch the destruction of everything we once held near and dear.

I don’t mean millions of deaths due to the coronavirus, I mean the destruction of economies around the globe. The death toll won’t even approach the average number of people who die every year from the flu because of our ridiculous overreaction. The destruction will come from the fact that we can’t stomach a global pandemic like we used to.

What’s that you say?

How dare I insinuate that a virus that targets the elderly/infirmed, smokers and the obese is exactly what a planet ravaged with over-population needs?

Let’s put our cards on the table and stop dancing around the issue; I couldn’t have invented a better virus if I tried!

Before I continue let me interrupt to say the following: Every writer/blogger dreams of these moments. The chance to say something that they’ll forever regret. To throw something out there that a few months later can be thrown in their face as undeniable proof that they are an idiot.

You’re kidding yourself if you don’t think that hundreds of years from now historians and scholars will comb through the records to see what the influential literary genius Lance Manion had to say about COVID-19. So there’s a lot at stake for me to offer up my insights.

So let me collect my thoughts before I continue…

Or not. I think I’ll just keep typing.

In the Golden Age of Influenzas, populations just sucked it up, burned the stacked piles of corpses and hoped for the best. After a few months the herd was thinned and life continued on as normal.

Not with this one.

We are going to fuck up our economy for a generation. Trillions and trillions of dollars will be flushed right down the toilet.

All so we can save grandpa whose been living in a home for the last four years and has trouble remembering who his grandkids are. Of course, the masks don’t help. Unless grandpa used to be a bank robber. Then it’s no problem.

“Hey there Sally!”

I know what you’re saying. “Hey Manion, you clown, bank robbers don’t wear those kind of masks!”

If that’s true, then you know who would have definitely gotten the corona? The Lone Ranger. Riding from town to town spreading the virus and then “Hi-yo, Silver, away!”

And don’t think Tonto was any better. He didn’t wear a mask but he did wear a little leather headband and I have no doubt that he’d get that smug look on his face whenever anyone mentioned the Lone Ranger’s mask as if a little leather headband would be any better.

There’s nothing worse than a smug Indian sidekick.

I bet the Lone Ranger would eventually secretly hope that Tonto fell off his horse dead from the virus.

Asian bank robbers might wear surgical masks now I think about it. Like the police sketch artist doesn’t already have his hands full trying to differentiate an Asian bank robber. “5’ 8. Short black hair. No distinguishing characteristics whatsoever?” I’m actually surprised that more Asians don’t rob banks. Can you imagine the police lineup.

“Hmmmmm… they all did it. Except for #6. Other than that, they all look like the man I saw rob the bank.”

I know what you’re saying. “Hey Manion, you clown, is now really the time for such blatant stereotyping?”

Yes. Now is the perfect time for such stereotyping. It’s a pandemic for fuck’s sake! Stereotyping and knowing what imaginary people are saying are all I have left. Stuck in my damned house all day. Alone with my thoughts. Watching the stock market go tits-up and talking heads on the news report the same thing over and over as if they have a clue as to how this is going to turn out.

Those masks don’t even help. At least die with some dignity. Walking around with those fucking masks at the super market like a moron and then daring to stare because I’m wearing a Lone Ranger mask.

So that’s the latest on COVID-19. I’ll keep you updated.