chat your way to an uglier you
(Originally posted 4/2/2015… back when I was trying to make National Have Sex With An Ugly Person Day a thing. Obviously a terrible, terrible mistake, but some great advice was dished out nonetheless.)
To commemorate National Have Sex With An Ugly Person Day I thought I’d give those of you who aren’t particularly ugly a glimpse into a world you may be unfamiliar with. A wonderful and terrifying place on the internet known well by the truly ugly amongst us … the adult chat room.
It is a world populated/polluted by the worst of humanity pretending to be attractive. Or at least doable. It’s with this in mind that I thought allowing you to become comfortable with the verbiage would make you that much more likely to take a chance and visit one of these human cesspools and, perhaps in the spirit of the holiday, sleep with one of these people.
When you sign in you are given the chance to pick a name that best suits you or your intentions. Don’t spend too much time on this part because whatever you pick is stupid. You are in a chat room for the love of god, abandon all wit ye who enter here.
Naming yourself Rumpleforeskin will not get you laid.
Understanding who it is you are typing to is important so let me give you a few examples of what words in an internet chat room actually mean. For example, if a girl says she is “curvy” it means she is fat. You might think it refers only to her ample bosom but you’d be wrong. Very wrong. At least fifty pounds of wrong. The same is true for “buxom.” “Buxom” means enormous. Same goes for “little.” Or “thin.”
“Fit” is how they say fat in England. Never has one innocent letter difference led people further down the wrong road.
“Chubby” means that they are unable to leave their house without the assistance of a crane.
Let’s just come right out and say it … all girls in a chat room are fat.
It’s the same for men.
When a girl gives you her age it gets a little trickier. If she says she is 16 she is 13. If she says she is 17 she is 13. If she says she is 18 she is 35. 19 is probably 19 but anything over 20 you should add 8 years to arrive at her real age.
Men are whatever they say they are. They don’t think it matters to girls because it doesn’t. What they will lie about is their marital status. If they are single they will think girls are attracted to married men and if they are married they will claim their wives were recently run over by a cement mixer in order to garner sympathy. This is only half true, their wife’s face usually only looks like it’s been run over by a cement mixer.
If a girl says she is “bi” it means she is a dude.
If a girl says she is a lesbian she is a dude.
If a girl says she is a girl she is most likely a dude.
The words “no cam” after a girl’s name mean she is a dude.
The “cam” after a girl’s name means you are, at some point in the conversation, going to see her penis.
Sometimes a site will allow you to post a pic next to your name as you chat. Don’t be deceived. The person you are talking to never even remotely looks like that person. If it is a picture of an attractive person then they are ugly. If it is a picture of an ugly person it is just setting the table. Dinner is horrifying. If it is too small to clearly see what the picture is of do not under any circumstances click on it to make it bigger. It is a penis. It is always a penis. Every time you try to enlarge it to a better look you risk getting an eyeful of dong.
Along the same lines, if a girl has an adorable dog or horse in their picture you can be sure the first picture she sends you will be her having sex with that adorable dog or horse. As warped as you might feel you are you still have no idea what’s lurking are out there.
If a girl gives you her phone number so you can call and engage in phone sex she is a dude. (Are you starting to see a trend? Chat rooms are the quintessential sausagefests.)
If a man gives a girl his phone number in order to engage in phone sex he plans on tracking her down at some point in the relationship and murdering her. Methods will vary based on the preferences of the man but all will involve duct tape. Duct tape should be one of the big sponsors of chat rooms.
Any girl with the words “slut” or “whore” in their name are virgins. A girl who says she is a “virgin” usually has a vagina the size of a walk-in closet. Regardless of what they have in front of their names, all men in a chat room are virgins.
Or serial killers.
Particularly men who act nice.
On the flipside, girls with the word “lonely” in their name will hunt you down if you talk to them too long. Occasionally a man will talk a girl with “lonely” in her moniker into phones sex and although there are a lot of ways it might play out the only thing for certain is that somebody is going to die.
Avoid British girls if you can. They use the word “naughty.” Nothing kills a boner faster than the word “naughty.”
“Kinky” means repressed and if you see a girl advertising herself as “shy” you can be sure she either owns a breathtaking amount of porn or has appeared in a breathtaking amount of porn.
Don’t bother talking to a girl named Karen. Even in the ugly world of internet chat rooms nobody wants to fuck a girl named Karen. Or Brenda.
Avoid any Eastern European girl because they are looking to get married. If you give them so much as the first two digits of your zip code they will arrive the next day at your front doorstep already impregnated with your child. While that might be nice at first, assuming you’re ok with fat foreign girls, no women in the world (save perhaps the leathery-skinned women of Brazil who look forty by the time they are twenty) age quicker and more poorly than an Eastern European woman. Plus the accent will make you want to hang yourself after twenty minutes of listening to them mangle the language.
If a girl has the word “sub” in her name it refers to her favorite sandwich … because all girls in a chat room are fat.
If you’ve gotten this far you might have come to the conclusion that chat rooms are not a good place to find love or perhaps even a quick fling. That is only true if you are evenly remotely attractive. If you are ugly then they are Studio 54 and Area 51 wrapped into one. The perfect place for mutants to meet and breed.
Imagine a hippo in a bathing suit getting into a hot tub. It doesn’t add any clarity to this article but it’s a funny image and it will allow the pseudo-intellectuals out there to somehow make these observations seem like biting commentary on something broader.
They’re not. They are as retarded as they seem. Refreshing in a world where every writer wants to appear smarter than they are.
I can’t think of a better way to celebrate National Have Sex With An Ugly Person Day than to spend a few hours trying to hook up in an online chat room. Just because you’re not ugly doesn’t mean you can’t spend a few hours being ugly.
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