cheerasourus non-erectus

(originally posted 8/5/2012… sorry?)

What the fuck has happened to cheerleaders? Back when I went to high school, as deplorable as they were at being decent human beings, the seven or eight hottest girls were always the cheerleaders. They dressed up in those slutty little outfits and only slept with football players and that was the way things were. Everyone understood the rules and nobody questioned them. At the games they stood in front of everyone and shrieked and kicked and occasionally formed a pyramid or something, but that was the extent of their acrobatics.

What happened?!

I went to a high school football game a few weeks back and couldn’t believe my eyes. There were like thirty girls lined up and they were a collection of the ugliest and fattest girls to ever squish into tank tops. Holy shit! I had heard rumors that ever since cheerleading became an actual sport in and of itself, some schools had added a few ‘thicker’ girls to hoist the other girls up into the air and catch them as they fell, and drag a cement mixer up a steep hill by their teeth, but this was ridiculous. It seems overnight the unattractive girls of the world staged a coup and took over cheerleading squads. Of the thirty there were like maybe five I would have done in high school and I was a complete loser who would have done almost anyone. Some of them even wore knee braces and wrist-supports and shit like that… I wanted to explain to them that they are supposed to be eye-candy, not sweaty muffin-topped gym rats.

Doing a little research I found out that this takeover actually happened at the Mom-level some years back. Because they never got to be cheerleaders when they were in high school, all the fat and ugly Moms took over the pee-wee/midget cheerleading associations and started to tell the heinous lie that all girls can cheerlead. Especially their fat and/or ugly daughters! The hot girls eventually moved on to other things because we all know they aren’t going to any spend time with unattractive girls in grade school. It’s social death. So now you have this whole huge flood of fat and/or ugly girls pouring into high schools completely unaware that fat and/or ugly girls have no place in cheerleading outfits. Like a plague of fat and/or ugly locust they swarmed into tryouts driving out the hot girls. To make matters worse, this new era of cheerleading doesn’t allow cuts so anyone who wants to can squeeze themselves into the outfits and call themselves a cheerleader!

Outrageous.

As you may imagine I’m a bit conflicted on the topic. As I mentioned, I was a total dork in high school so on some level I should be happy that the beautiful people have lost something that at one time was just handed to them. Perhaps it’s human nature to be somehow attracted to the very things we abhor. Take for instance, whenever I’m walking down the aisle at Home Depot I’m usually sporting a full erection despite the fact that I can’t build squat and don’t even know what most of the equipment is used for. In high school I was forced to take one shop class and while the rest of the males were putting the finishing touched on their assorted gun racks and entertainment centers, I was still struggling to complete the cutting board that my mother would later be so proud of. I believe I received an F+ for the class and visited the nurse with injuries requiring bandages and applied pressure at least a half dozen times. The point being that I should revel in this new cheerleading reality, shouldn’t I? The problem is that even as a dork I looked forward to seeing the flash of panty when the cheerleaders would kick. Just the slightest peek would start my blood racing… especially south of the border. Sometimes you see some teen movie where the cheerleader forgets to put on her underwear and flashes the crowd and I have to be honest with myself and admit that if I would have seen actual cheerleader vagina for even a fraction of a second I would have probably suffered an aneurism and died on the spot. For however horrible they were as people, the cheerleader was iconic. A symbol to all post-adolescent teens. And by symbol I mean someone to jerk off to three or four times a day.

Powerful stuff.

Or it was anyway. Now that’s all gone apparently, as the word powerful now means possessing enormous power in chunky legs and bulging biceps. And the faces! What I wouldn’t have given for one apple-pie smile as I looked down from the stands. Instead I saw busted face after busted face, shrilly carrying out gymnastic moves previously only seen in Romania, by crowds accustomed to squat calloused females covered in chalk and tape, hurling themselves around in the hopes of getting an additional tenth of a point on their score. Nobody in Romania is trying to catch a glimpse of the mess that is no doubt lurking under those short skirts. Believe that.

You have to wonder if cheerleaders still have attitudes. How can they possibly be snotty if everyone can make the team? Could it be that hot girls actually look down on cheerleaders now? As implausible as that might have seemed only a few years ago it might actually be the case. Like when the mammals took over the Earth from the dinosaurs.

Only this time in reverse.