Cornspiracy

Although I’m not much of a college football historian I’m pretty sure that the University of Nebraska team has won more games than any other team on the planet. If memory serves, I think they won something like 30 national championships in a row. Why do I mention this? Because in the last few years they have barely played .500 ball. The once mighty Cornhuskers have become a shell of the program they once were. Why? Could it be that they are busy ‘husking’ something else?

I’m going to put it right out there on the table. There is a cornspiracy going on in this country the likes of which we haven’t seen in a decade! Not since the cranberry, folks, have we seen such a power play on our grocery shelves. Except Big Corn learned a lesson from all that, so you won’t be seeing Corngerine-flavored juices. No, no. They’re smarter than that. You’ll buy a bottle of Tangerine juice blissfully unaware that the main ingredient has become corn. Corn!

Take a second and go to your own kitchen. Pull out anything in your fridge or on your shelf and I’ll wager that the key ingredient is corn. It is now in everything. They are cornering the market. What’s worse is that they would have you believe that this is all just corntastic! (if you’d like to try to be as funny as I am, just add the letters c-o-r-n in place of the letters c-o-n in any word beginning with con and see how amusing it is. Cornfused? I bet you are … but it gets easier. Cornstruction, cornsequences, etc. Once you have that down move on to replacing any letters that begin a word with c-o-r-n.)

Not content(corntent) with just bottled and canned goods they have now taken over the beef industry. Although you won’t see it on the label, the key ingredient in beef is now, you guessed it, corn. These days cattle are fed exclusively corn. No more hay or grass or the occasional apple from the hand of the farmer’s sensitive daughter. Nope. Corn is what’s on the menu every night if you’re a head of steer.

And now they want corn in your gas tank. They call it ethanol to try to hide it but what they mean is cornoline. Even cranberries never had the balls to try this one.

And to think I gave so generously to Farm Aid when Willie Nelson had me convinced that the poor American farmer was hurting. Now I find out those over-all-clad bastards have been working overtime to make sure that in five years even my carrots will be made out of corn. I hope Willie likes it when he sits down to smoke a bowl of corn-weed!

It wouldn’t be so bad except corn isn’t very good for us. It’s a starch and then some. In one serving of corn (100 grams) there is 365 calories, 74 grams of carbs and 5 grams of fat. One of those five being saturated, the most diabolical of the fats! Want to know why American asses are getting bigger? Let me introduce you to my friend Mr. Corn. My Native American pals called him Mr. Maize … but they didn’t put Mr. Maize into every fucking thing they ate or drank. Of course, if they had found a way to make Mr. Alcohol out of him, the first pilgrims might have steeped foot on a continent that was ears of corn from sea to shining sea.

Ironically our only hope is the cranberry. If anyone can stop Cornzilla, it’s the cranberry guys. Come on Ocean Spray, step up and get back to work. Knock down this corny bitch and take your crown back.