COVID-19 Update: Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Manion (how Funyuns saved my life)

It was brought to my attention that my recent string of COVID-19 ‘Updates’ have been a bit short on COVID-19-related content. Put another way, they’ve had absolutely nothing to do with COVID-19. My apologies. With that in mind, I’d like to give it another shot…

If you think that I’m sitting at home behind a keyboard writing dumb stories and playing video games 24/7 throughout the entire self-quarantining phase of the pandemic, I’m here to set the record straight.

I’m always keeping one eye on maintaining the ol’ Manion beach body.  I know things will eventually return to normal and the throngs of females in my neighborhood will once again look forward to seeing me march around my front yard shirtless.

Well… “look forward to” might be putting it a bit strongly.

Here’s the problem. No matter how hard you workout, and I do not workout hard, it’s completely wasted if you don’t have the right diet.

I want to workout harder. I do. It’s just that there are two types of workout videos; ‘Beginner’ videos where a group of lumpy women squeeze in about a dozen or so jumping jacks while giggling and trying to make awkward conversation for ten minutes, or ‘Intermediate’ videos where a collection of frenzied Olympic gymnasts spend an hour doing one-handed pushups and back flips until they are completely certain that they have made their point. That point being that you the viewer are the biggest pussy that has ever walked the planet.

I also try to work in some weightlifting when I feel up to it, but it’s hard since I’ve been unable to find any weights under two and half pounds. Where are the weights for the rest of us? Not everyone can lift a car over their heads and I wish the makers of free weights would accept this and come out with a broader selection of options.

So clearly I wasn’t exaggerating when I said I do not workout hard. But I do workout. I want to make that clear. There is effort put in.

Effort that is squandered by Night Manion.

Breakfast Manion, Lunch Manion and Dinner Manion are all on the same page. Every calorie is counted and if you were to make a chart of things like proteins and carbs, they would all be present and accounted for in their recommended portions. Gone are the saturated fats of old. I swear on everything that is holy I eat like professional athlete.

Until about eight at night anyway…

Then (cue foreboding music) Dr. Jekyll departs and is replaced by Mr. Manion.

When this pandemic started I would typically have a snack and a drink every evening as I watched TV. To stop things from feeling too much like Groundhog Day, I would vary them. One night it would be a couple cookies and soda, the next it might be crackers, cheese and a hot beverage. I didn’t put much thought into it and I always consumed the aforementioned in moderation.

Then about three weeks ago, when the good movies ran out and I found myself renting B movies at $3.99 a pop, I realized that cheddar popcorn had muscled out all of my other snacks. Night after night I would eat a bag of cheddar popcorn.

Then two.

Sure, I was alternating between Coke and tea to make sure I hadn’t slipped completely into madness, but my intake of cheddar popcorn was quickly increasing.

During the day I would actually Google to see if it was possible to overdose on popcorn.

Family-sized? There was no ‘family-sized’ bag for me. Manion… family of one.

The night that I consumed two ‘family-sized’ bags was when I realized I had a problem. I literally couldn’t shovel it into my face any faster. I wasn’t even watching the movie anymore. I was the Takeru Kobayashi of cheddar popcorn. My fingers would be so coated after a session that it took me about a minute a finger to suck off all the cheesy residue.

Soon I was consuming my own body weight in cheddar popcorn every night.

The lumpy women in my videos certainly couldn’t have anticipated this turn of events or they might have felt an addition two minutes and a sit up might be in order. I was so ashamed about Night Manion that even during the day I could only bring myself to watch Lumpy Women porn.

It was all I felt I deserved.

Welcome to rock bottom.

Then it happened. The grocery store ran out of cheddar popcorn (although I suspect someone tipped them off and they removed it all from the shelves when they saw me walk in… in my Lone Ranger mask, of course) and I was forced to pivot to Funyuns.

Nobody, no human anyway, can eat more than one bag of Funyuns in a sitting.

So that’s how it ended.

I wonder if AA and NA have considered using Funyuns in their programs.

It’s been four days clean now and I think I’m ready for regular porn again.

I know, I know… pretty inspiring stuff, but a bit light on the COVID-19 content.

Sorry?