COVID-19 Update: help is on its way
As of yesterday the COVID-19 virus has killed over 772,000 people worldwide. If COVID was a person it wouldn’t be in the company of Mao, Stalin or Hitler, but it certainly would be considered a dick.
And what do you do with dicks?
Ok, that question makes me regret classifying it as a dick. Too much sexual subtext. Asshole would suffer the same problem in gay and/or deviant crowds so let’s just settle with the word jerk. Doesn’t have the same zing, but nobody would associate jerk with sex.
Wait. I guess you could. It makes up the vast majority of my sex life. I never realized how many insults are also sexual references.
Fucker is right out!
Anyway, what do you do with people who have murdered so many people?
You kill them.
Or do you? There is a school of thought that believes that a swift death is too good for such people. They should be made to suffer. Live a long life to fully reflect on the horrible things they’ve done.
So why not viruses?
You hear a lot of products claiming that they will disinfect surfaces. That their disinfectant will kill COVID on contact. 772,000 people have been killed by this virus. Most of them old people. Grandfathers and grandmothers and many of them forced to die alone because of quarantines.
And you want to just kill these viruses?
Not me. They’re not getting off that light. I have been hard at work on a better solution, and last night it finally came to fruition. After months in the secret laboratory under the Manion Mansion, striving alongside my crack team of researchers, I am pleased to announce a breakthrough in the fight against this pandemic.
An injection that will be rude to the virus. It will, on a microscopic level, target the individual viruses and insult them. It will, only moments after injected, be impolite, inconsiderate, insolent, and downright abusive to each and every virus it happens upon as it circulates inside the patient. “I’m not locked in here with you, you’re locked in here with me!”
I know, I know. You’re welcome.
But it’s not accolades I seek. I just want to do my part. A lot of people, particularly those who call themselves ‘scientists’, might turn up their nose at such a revolutionary approach to fighting pathogens, but for the rest of us, I know we’ll all rest easier knowing that viruses around the globe are getting theirs.
“Come around these parts”, we might say (if we spoke virus), “and you’ll be treated in a discourteous manner. You will be openly mocked and scorned. Make sure to tell your friends.”
My feeling is that weak-willed diseases and infection will quickly seek safer places to raise their ugly heads. You know how insecure viruses can be. Problem solved.
Again… you’re welcome.
There have been rumors that the Germans are working on something that belittles the virus, but to date nothing has been substantiated.
So the next time you’re watching some glossy television commercial promoting a spray or finish that kills COVID on contact, just know that something better is on its way; Manion’s Disrespectant.
“Tell COVID to go fuck itself. It’s been DISsed.”