COVID UPDATE: Christmas Lights

(Originally posted 12/2/2020. Has it already been a year? Crazy.)

I think all the social distancing has driven everyone batshit crazy. Before the last of the cranberry sauce was thrown out on Thanksgiving night I saw neighbors pouring out of their houses to put up their Christmas lights.

It was like we all needed to start celebrating just a bit early this year. This long and horrible year. And for once, I didn’t strike a grinchy pose and instead joined in the merriment.

But before you get carried away with the good cheer, let me make something perfectly clear; don’t put up purple and blue lights. It seems so obvious, but there’s always someone in the neighborhood who does.

Purple and blue lights are for adult bookstores.

I’m not anti-adult bookstores mind you, in fact you won’t find a bigger fan, but purple and blue lights should not adorn houses. Not unless you want me walking in looking for pornography.

Which my local adult book store does. And I’m happy to oblige. Regularly. In fact, I am typically greeted with the familiarity that Norm received when he walked into Cheers. Except instead of “Norm!” they let loose with a hearty “Lance!” And then, just like the TV show, they follow it up with a softball question that will allow me to say something witty. For example “Lance! How’s it hanging?” at which point I will reply “I am too engorged to answer coherently.”

Not exactly the same vibe as the TV show I will admit.

If you’ve never seen Cheers I have to wonder how the hell you ever arrived at this website.

Of course, if you’re familiar with Cheers I still have to wonder how the hell you ever arrived at this website.

So Christmas is barreling down on us all but the idea of heading to the mall to shop seems even more distasteful than usual. Having to stand in line for twenty minutes just to go into a store and smell candles six feet apart from everyone seems a bit lame.

Will they even have a mall Santa this year?

What are parents telling their kids about Santa? That he could be the world’s biggest super-spreader? In one night he could infect everyone.

Everyone in the entire world.

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,

And filled all the stockings; then turned with a jerk,

And laying his finger aside of his nose,

Let loose with a wet hacking cough.

I just imagine the streets of Whoville strewn with dead and dying Whos on Christmas morning. What a wonderful sight for the Grinch. It won’t be his heart growing three sizes. His dog will give him a little look as if asking him how he feels about the Whos finally getting what was coming to them and he will just lift an eyebrow and say “I am too engorged to answer coherently.”

Ok, I apologize.

2020 has been rough enough without some bad writer-wannabe asking you to imagine the streets of Whoville littered with dead Whos. I take it back.

Let me end on an upbeat note…

hmmmmm….

Nope. I got nothing.

So remember, if you haven’t already done so, put up some colored lights and maybe throw an elf or two on the lawn. Do it now. Wrestle some happiness from this bitch of year, you owe it to yourself.

But for the love of Santa, don’t put up damn purple and blue lights.

Unless, of course, you want a visit from Manion Claus.

Ho ho ho.