COVID Update: pie

(originally posted 5/1/2021)

Polly Longbottom is neither in shape or out of shape. A lot depends on the angle you view her.

I mention this because how people view her is of some import to her. When your last name is Longbottom you are extra sensitive to how long your bottom is perceived.

Polly Longbottom does not count calories but she also pays attention to the food she eats. She does not have a gym membership but she is not opposed to the occasional long hike through the woods.

I mention these things to set the table for the coming dilemma. Even prefacing it in terms of setting the table is setting the table.

Six months ago the grocery store Polly shops at began selling discount pecan pies. $4.99 for a whole pie.

If you’re waiting for to say that Polly neither likes nor dislikes pecan pie then I’m sorry but you’re in for a bit of a rude awakening.

Polly loves pecan pie. If you were to ask her for her top ten pies, pecan would be six of them. Far and away her favorite pie. And hence the aforementioned dilemma.

Polly began buying one every Sunday and cutting it into seven equal slices, of which she consumes a slice at a time with a glass of milk every night as she watches TV. Since COVID lockdown she might have missed two or three nights in the last eight months. To say that the pie was the cornerstone of her nightly routine would not be overstating it.

Which concerns her. Of the various pies, you’d be hard-pressed to find one that is as filled with calories and saturated fats and other terrible things as pecan. It would be the official pie of obese people if such a sponshorship existed. I’m sure the pecan industry goes to great lengths to make sure that such a thing never becomes a reality.

A number of times, post-pie, when she has unbuttoned her pants to allow her stomach free reign, she has been known to say “Pecans are healthy” as if offering a rebuttal to her own nagging concerns.

Polly Longbottom is not known to frequently leap into action but it’s also fair to say that she hasn’t entirely succumbed to the forces of inertia. That being the case, she decided to rectify the pie issue. An outside observer might not have classified it as a full-on leap into action, but would have definitely argued in favor of calling the events leading to the action a launch.

“Nuts are healthy, I’ll just add more nuts. Just throw them right on top. Once the nuts-to-filling ration is a little more in the nut’s favor I’m sure I’ll feel better about everything” she said to nobody. In fact, she might have just thought it. Writing about a woman who doesn’t leave her house is fraught with these types of obfuscations (I originally went with the word vacuities but thought it might sound a little pretentious. I thought you’d appreciate knowing).

Unfortunately for the pie-eating experience the first nuts she grabbed were cashews. The evening, for the first time ever, she did not enjoy her pecan pie. “Yech.”

Unfortunately the next night the only other nuts she had in the house were walnuts. While she did not dislike it with the same ire that the previous evening’s pecan/cashew pie had elicited, it was close.

The following day she went to the grocery store and bought a bag of pecans (I would have said that she marched into the grocery store but I feel that word should really only be used in conjunction with soldiers and bands. I thought you’d appreciate my sensitivity).

Polly Longbottom is not a fussy girl but at the same time she knows what she likes.

Polly Longbottom did not like the pecan pecan pie.

What she learned was that the interaction between the pecans and the filling is a slow dance. The sugar, molasses, eggs, vanilla and butter pressed against each other, cheek to cheek, in such a way that no other ingredients exist. Not a single one in the entire world. The crust is Atlas holding up the heavens. There is a formula for everything, from the internal combustion engine to love at first sight and if you change the slightest thing then it simply stops working.

It took eight months of isolation for her to finally understand this. Eight months to really get it. And to change to fat-free milk.

Polly Longbottom considers it time well spent.