dark the con of man
One of the bigger secrets I’ve kept from my internet friends is that I’ve been incarcerated the entire time I’ve been blogging. That’s right. I’m one of those guys in jail who had access to the internet and created a variety of personas to keep attached to the outside world. Today is a big day for me because today is the day I’m due to be released! In a few hours I will walk out of the East Jersey State Prison in lovely Rahway, NJ a free man. My debt to society having been paid in full.
What did I do to end up in jail? A fair question. It’s actually a funny story.
I was dating this girl (I think most jail explanations start with that line). She was much hotter than I was and it caused many a male to be jealous and confront me. Sometimes it became physical and I would often wimp out and embarrass myself. So a friend of mine thought of a great way to allow her to regain her faith in my manhood. He arranged to have 3 of his friends appear to bully me in a parking lot and I would defend myself and drive off the attackers and look like a real stud to my girlfriend. Everything went as planned that night but then I got a little carried away and killed all 3 of them with the business end of a broken Coke bottle. My friend was pissed. Apparently just because the whole thing was a set-up doesn’t give me the right to actually kill them so they sent me to prison. Crazy I know.
My time at Rahway has been rough. It’s a tough place. Many of my fellow inmates are rude and can be very inconsiderate at times. There have been many times where heated words have been exchanged and sometimes I’ve even landed in ‘the hole’ due to an outburst. Prisoners call it ‘the hole’ because it only has basic cable and you lose your pool & sauna rights for the duration of your stay. Also I swear that they don’t use any fabric softener on the bedding. With the exception of the visit by Iron Chef Mario Batali the food was often substandard. Was it my imagination or did half my cell block grow goatees out of respect for his cranberry bellini cocktails?
On the plus side it seems a lot easier to get babes in here than on the outside. Something about a bad boy that chicks dig. One visit to a prison chat room and every available time to visit me was filled. You can’t believe the mail I get. I’m actually being picked up today by a ‘friend’ I made on the inside. After being locked up for so long I hope she knows what she is getting herself into. It will be nice to have sex again without having to move a set of balls out of the way that aren’t my own.
I used my time in the joint to better myself. I earned a master’s degree in astronomy and an associate’s in engineering. I learned to play the cello and developed a passion for origami. I can also now make a viable weapon out of a toothbrush. I leave the prison a better man than I entered. 2 years in the clink might seem a lot for a simple misunderstanding but I don’t regret it. If I had to do it all again I think I would still tackle that guy and bury a thumb in each of his eye sockets and press inward as hard as I could as he screamed like a wild animal and pleaded for his life. Life is about learning. I really feel that.
So I hope you’re not upset to find out that I’m a con. I hope it doesn’t change the way you feel about me or the special relationship we’ve had over this past year. I hope you don’t experience a pang of regret for giving me your name, address and credit information. I just hope you don’t do anything stupid.
Just fucking sit there ok? Don’t fucking move. Eyes forward.
I’ll see you soon.