Dear Derrell (from the mailman)

Dear Derrell;

Diane Lane once said “I love the rebelliousness of snail mail, and I love anything that can arrive with a postage stamp. There’s something about that person’s breath and hands on the letter.” I couldn’t help but notice the number of letters you’ve been receiving lately. I don’t mean cable or phone bills or promotions from the local car wash, but real correspondence from living, breathing people.

Well, mostly people… and that’s why I’m writing. I took the liberty of opening and reading your recent letters and I was shocked to find a letter from a dog. I’m sure that this comes as no surprise, but dogs can’t write letters. Not only do they lack the mental faculties but they can’t hold a pen.

It’s just not plausible for the purposes of this story. Sure, you could make the case that Stacy’s dad actually wrote it and he’s a bit more twisted than your reader’s suspected, but even that is a pretty weak premise.

Honestly, I would have gone with the original idea of the dog writing a letter that said nothing but “woof woof woof woof”.

Infantile but much more plausible.

Sincerely,

Your mailman