Dear Stacy

(originally posted 8/29/2019)

Dear Stacy;

It has been awhile since we corresponded so I thought I’d be the bigger person and write you. I know we left on bad terms but my desire to drive a claw hammer into your head has passed, although I must say that when this desire was upon me I would have you hit you with the claw side of the hammer and with such force that I’d have probably had to stand on your head to pull and wriggle the hammer free from your shattered cranium.

Not exactly the tone that I wanted to start this letter off with but I know we both value honesty.

I still don’t fully understand why you can insist that Head & Shoulders, a shampoo claiming to help control dandruff, actually dries the scalp and causes dandruff but I’m crazy for believing that toothpaste causes cavities. It’s the same logic… think about it.

But why I’m really writing is to apologize again for the whole Stacy’s Mom incident. From the outset I know how uncomfortable you were with that song and it was unkind of me to sing it in front of your friends. You know how I get when I’ve had a few drinks and when they started laughing at my version of Stacy’s Dog it just egged me on.

What totally crossed the line was when I started singing Stacy’s Dad. I heard the song the other day I’m not even sure where I could have fit in the impromptu lyrics “Shooting my goo into his ear.” I guess that’s besides the point.

I’m sorry.

There I said it.

And forget about the whole claw hammer stuff… you know how I get when I’ve had a few drinks.

So any chance you want to go out and have a few drinks?

Let me know.

Yours sincerely,

Derrell.