(first appeared at five2onemag.onimpression.com 2/15/2013)
Don’t let the poor grammar fool you, I am wicked smart. I said wicked because when I think of myself I think of the Matt Damon character in Good Will Hunting so I immediately throw on a Boston accent because I’m so much like him. Except I don’t like to fight.
And if there is one thing I have more of than brains, it’s money. I am Bruce Wayne rich. Again, there are a lot of similarities between myself and Batman’s alter-ego with only one clear exception. There really isn’t much call for a superhero who prowls the streets at night seeking out, finding, and then fleeing from danger.
Other than that I’m a dead ringer.
Wicked smart, wicked rich and a humanitarian. The total package.
For instance, the other day when I was taking a leak I had a really great idea. So great in fact that I actually heard a “Ding!” in my head like when a microwave oven is done microwaving your Hot Pocket. I have a terrible memory so in only a matter of minutes the great idea disappeared but what remained was the idea that perhaps brain waves and microwaves are related.
Now probably none of you are bright enough to point out that microwaves are radio waves while brain waves are electrochemical impulses but on the off chance someone reading this isn’t a complete tard I will point out that yes I am aware of this but that’s just the kind of thinking that impedes new discovery. Sometimes you have to see the connections that aren’t there to make any progress. Like neurons sending out millions of signals in your brain, maybe some of them aren’t accounted for.
Maybe, just maybe, could it be because they are sent as radio waves?
And speaking of signals getting lost, could that be a possible cause of autism?
Maybe researchers have been looking in the wrong places for answers. The wheels were really turning now. Imagine if I could find their misplaced thoughts.
There was only one thing to do. Put my considerable intellect and wealth to work and start doing my own studies. You have to get involved. Take for instance all those pink ribbons. If those women were serious about curing breast cancer they’d stop having walks for the cure and start having walks until there’s a cure. You don’t think seeing legions of dead and dying women at the side of the road would ratchet things up a notch?
After leasing a space, buying an EEG, a few test tubes filled with various colored liquids, a microwave (for Hot Pockets … test subjects have to eat), a dozen cell phones, a kicking turntable with speakers and a radio, it was time to get to work.
If you have enough money you can rent anything and before you knew it I had a busload of autistic people arriving at my door. I explained in detail what I was going to be doing and everyone seems enthusiastic about it.
Well, perhaps enthusiastic was overstating it but nobody seemed to mind. The Hot Pockets were an immediate hit.
This is where things sort of ran out of steam. The cell phones weren’t picking up anything unusual despite having some using the low-microwave/high-UHF frequencies around 1.8 GHz, some in the 2.4 GHz ISM band and even some utilizing U-NII frequencies in the 5 GHz range. A real disappointment.
I forgot to rent someone to work the EEG machine so I was really counting on the cell phones to grab some stray microwave thoughts and prove that my hypothesis was correct.
I even set up the turntable and asked if anyone had any desire to be a DJ. I figured that perhaps the their brain would leap at the chance to express itself through radio waves as opposed to brain waves but nobody even cared enough to wave their hands in the air like they just didn’t care.
When it got to be after 6 o’clock I realized I’d forgotten where I rented the test subjects and if I had arranged for them to be picked back up and returned to wherever it was they had come from. I was almost certain that I hadn’t.
Supplies of hot Pockets began to run low.
So much for good intentions.
I snuck out the back, hopped into the Sciencemobile and roared off into the night.