Finally! The answer to the question "What quote is he going to put on the back cover of his new book?"… https://t.co/uBZknyDRQP (4 hours ago)

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Dec
22

dickwad appreciation day

There is perhaps one type of person I loathe above all. Maybe you’ve run into them. The douche bag that tells everybody what they would buy them if they ever won the lottery. Not the casual comment if the subject happens to arise but the hardcore dickwad who actually believes that they are deserving of some sort of mock appreciation because they have worked it all out in their head all the wonderful things they would do with the money if they won it.

Could there possibly be a more empty gesture??

It’s not bad enough that they are angling for appreciation for nothing but it actually makes their life seem that much more pathetic. If they truly desire to obtain these items for their friends and loved ones why not make the necessary changes in their lives to actually go out there and earn the money?

When I am forced to listen to them start in about all the good they would do with their riches, immediately inferring that the current stable of people who actually have riches are not doing their part adequately, it’s all I can do not to walk up and slap them hard across their blathering pie-hole. The only other thing that irritates me on the same level, if forced to come up with something, is when I have to take a dump right after I’ve stepped out of the shower.

Why couldn’t my bowels have let me know I had one in the oven before I showered? Personally, I like to keep that area spic and span and the idea of wasting a shower drives me nuts. Now I’m not saying that if you crouched down and looked into my anus after a shower you could actually see yourself reflected clearly but you’d certainly make out someone peering in. Let’s just say that if you dropped your donut into my ass the 3 second rule would comfortable apply.

Anyway, the first crap undoes all that and as far as my ass is concerned I may as well have not showered at all. I won’t even get into what happens if you have to go right after you shower and the area is still all damp and humid.

And that is as annoying as these people with their post-lottery-win squawking.

The problem is you never really know who carries this fuckface gene. I’ve had to end long friendships out of the blue because of this. They start talking about it and I just freeze, a look of horror creeping across my face. “Not you!” I utter to myself as I get up and slowly walk away from the conversation… and the person. Forever.

It’s like my internet providers homepage. Every morning I wake to 8 headlines on the left and 4 pictures, in no particular order, that reference those stories on the right. It is a little game I play, trying to put the pictures with the headlines. There will be the easy ones, a charred corpse or smoldering wreckage, a hurricane-ravaged village, you know… the easy ones. The ones I enjoy are the pictures of the middle aged nobody smiling away. Next to him are 2 possible captions; “Man donates liver to save brother!” and “Pedophile convicted on all 27 counts!”.

Ok, now I’ve got some work to do don’t I? He’s slightly balding, wearing a dress shirt, glasses seem a little out of fashion. Hmmmm. He seems pretty happy in the picture.

Then I remember.

They always show the picture of the pedophile.

But usually there is at least one difficult choice to make; fireman hero or rapist, scientist developing a breakthrough in cancer research or suspected terrorist, local philanthropist or KKK leader. You know that the people who come up with these front pages do it on purpose. Maybe they are just trying to help us work on our annoying-people-detection skills. Still, if I had just donated $10 million to my former university do I really want 50% of the people who saw my picture online to think that I am actually drug user who led police on a 2 hour chase to avoid arrest on spousal abuse charges?

Oh well… serves them right for giving away their money like that.

Tell you what. If I had $10 million dollars I tell you how I’d spend it. First I’d give $3 million to my Mom, then I’d…

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