Director of the ODoPA
(originally posted 1/12/2019)
Sometime in the year 2024, which sounds so far away but will be here before we know it, the Congress, with little enthusiasm and less oversight, passed a resolution creating the Department of the Patently Absurd. It’s first official action was to investigate how it came to pass that the Congress would create such a department.
They called it “absurd.”
There was much fanfare but, as they really had no authority to do anything outside of pointing out the absurd, nothing came of it.
It’s at this point I’m sure you’re thinking to yourself “If I know my Lance Manion, and I do, he will try to milk out a thousand words from this very thin premise. I sincerely don’t think he can.”
Well, you know what I say to that? Oh ye of little faith! I have written much longer stories with much much much weaker ideas. Besides that, you have nothing better to do than continue reading. I feel no pressure whatsoever to deliver something interesting because you are incapable of clicking out of this page and reading something else.
“What’s that?” you say, “That’s it, I’m outta here!”
The thing is, if you’re reading this then you didn’t outta here.
Which in 2024 will be grounds for launching a full investigation from the DoPA.
See how I returned to the original concept? That’s why you’re still here.
The truth is though, I would have had much more respect for you if you had clicked out. In fact, I would love nothing more than spend the day sitting at the feet of someone who had the internal fortitude to stop reading this and simply admire them.
But if you harbor any secret desire to have a Lance Manion sit at your feet and admire you you can kiss those aspirations goodbye because you simply can’t bring yourself to click out.
I’ll even give you another chance.
You can’t do it.
Which is simply absurd.
Which is why in 2026 they changed the name to The Office of the Department of the Patently Absurd. Everyone involved in this decision was later hauled up in front of the ODoPA.
There has to be someone asking themselves how a statement I made in 2019 made them change the name of the department in 2026. Do I really expect you to believe something so absurd?
You will if you expect a position in my administration.
That’s right, I end up the Director of The Office of the Department of the Patently Absurd in 2027 and the first thing I do is utilize the awe-inspiring power of the government to track down all those people who originally clicked out of this post and have them executed.
So count yourself, and your low literary expectations, very lucky.
I, of course, will still spend a full day sitting at their lifeless feet admiring them.
Which will be, of course, absurd, proving beyond a shadow of a doubt that I will take my job very seriously.
Picture it in your head please, it’s the reason you stayed and kept reading.
Am I wearing a tie?