(originally posted 8/10/2012)
I’m just sitting there watching a show on snakes where out of nowhere the host drops a bombshell on me. Male snakes have two penises. To prove it he grabbed some unfortunate soon-to-be touched-inappropriately snake and popped ’em both out for everyone to see.
Now most people on learning this nugget of information would sensibly ask if penises is the correct plural of the word penis. Interestingly enough it is… although those who handle them professionally use the Latin-style penes. I’m referring, of course, to urologists and not prostitutes. Hookers no doubt have an breathtaking vocabulary when it comes to penises and no doubt charge extra for handling plurals.
So the host is standing there holding the snake and pressing out his penises with a look on his face that made it clear he was not enthused about his current career choice when my first question arose. Note that when I started in on the plural of penises conversation I said ‘most people’ would ask… not me. It never occurred to me actually. My first question was whether or not a snake has a ‘go-to’ penis. Sort of one day-to-day penis and one that he pulls out only on special occasions like the china on Thanksgiving.
Sort of an odd thing to compare a penis to china and a sex act to Thanksgiving. They were the first things to come to me so I went with them but the subconscious mind was really at work on that one.
I digress as usual.
Take away the digressions and most blogs would be unreadable. That’s my philosophy anyway. What is there really to say about the fact that a snake has two penises that I didn’t cover in the first sentence? Would the average reader prefer to hear about how in Latin penis is a third declension noun so the second declension spelling of the plural as peni would be incorrect or would they prefer a series of analogies about the similarities between intercourse and a holiday meal celebrating our fucking over of the indigenous people of North America?
When I mentioned the host being unenthused about violating the snake on television I didn’t exactly mention the mortified look on the snake’s face. It usually takes a trained eye to spot the emotion subtleties of reptiles but in the case the snake was so obviously humiliated that the cameraman had to keep zooming in on the penises to avoid showing the audience the embarrassed snake.
A few too many close-ups for my liking. I’m sure a female snake would have loved this show but for the rest of us it was a bit hard to watch. It looked like two little pink echinodermata (niphates callista to be more exact) you’d see sitting off a coral reef filtering their meals in their gross little way. Let’s just say that it makes the human penis look downright noble.
So getting back to my original question… they looked the same size so if the snake did favor one over the other it would have to be left/right thing or maybe one had a lucky birthmark on it. Maybe it would be just that one penis seemed to perform better so he’d save that one for the special snakes in his life. I wonder if he can use both at the same time.
You’d never know what a snake is packing because they suck up into their bodies when not in use. Perhaps a female snake can see a bulge when a snake has a larger than normal set of penises. He might leave a trail behind him advertising his dual hogs and females just go wriggling after him as fast as they can crawl.
I think that would make a great follow up special for any serious nature program. I don’t think it’s fair just to casually mention that snakes have two penises then go wandering off onto some other topic with so many unanswered questions still left in the viewers mind. To me, that was the most amazing thing I’d ever learned from a snake documentary.
I guess I got you all excited about hearing about penis analogies and then just let it drop. I’ll make it up to you with a joke.
Did you hear the one about the snake who had five penises?
His pants fit like a glove.
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