double down the hatch

I guess if I had to give a kid advice about steroids it would be this: do a lot of them. Have you seen the size of the other kids trying out for football? Holy shit, there are 16 year olds pushing 300 lbs. You really think you’ll make the team, let alone excel, without putting helpful chemicals into your scrawny body? Forget it. Steroids are the way to go.

It’s like in blackjack, if the dealer is showing a 6 then you double down. Every time. Doesn’t matter what card you have, at some point you have to put your money where your mouth is. It’s just simple math. Or science. One of those.

You might be fast or strong or maybe you can throw or catch but at some point you’ll want to compete at the next level and that level requires steroids. Will it negatively affect you? Probably.

Just like doubling down. Although it’s the right thing to do sometimes the dealer will catch a 5 and you’ll be screwed.

At least you got to play right?

Here is the mistake that most kids make when using steroids. They only use one kind. Or maybe a certain regiment of a few types. That’s the kind of thinking that will put on 20 pounds of muscle and may get you atrophy of the testicles. Sure, that might help you get all-conference on your high school team but nobody is winning any Heisman trophies with that attitude.

Now some chicken-shit kid might ask “What if the dealer has a 6 but you’re holding a 6? Shouldn’t you stay?”. What did I say? Math (or science) says you always double down when the dealer has 16. You have to play the percentages.

Same with steroids. You don’t take one or two kinds. If you’re going to do them you need to do all of them. Swallow and inject every damn kind you can get your hands on. If some are good than more are better. How bad do you want to play in the NFL? Myself, I trust the anabolic-androgenic industry. Where would we be without pharmaceuticals? You’re going to listen to the advice of people that want you to buy their products when you have a drippy nose or a cough but suddenly you’re crazy because you want to put on a few pounds?

Here’s the bottom line. If you want to play, you have to pay. Get a blender. Throw in some milk, some eggs, some wheat germ and that other crap they sell at GNC and then throw is some Dianabol, some Primobolan, a little Clenbuterol, a dash of Stanozolol, a bit of Halotestin, a hint of Masteron, a liberal amount of Clomid and perhaps a heaping helping of Equipoise. And by some, dash and hint I mean as much as you can afford. Get a job delivering newspapers or pizzas or something to earn some extra cash so you can pack that blender with the good stuff. Shit, if you can get some then by all means throw in some oestradiol and progesterone as well. If it works for steers imagine how it will improve your game.

The goal is nothing less than turning yourself into towering psychotic hulking man-thing. Your skin should always have a sheen and there should always be a low growl emanating from your throat. Don’t let a little water retention or gynecomastia put you off. Moobs come with the territory and that territory is the NFL.

Money. Women. Cars. Assuming that you can still fit in a car or have the motor skills to drive one. Doesn’t matter. Get a chauffeur. Live the dream.

Life is showing a 6.

Double down.