dream homes

(originally posted 9/28/2020)

There were two things that stopped Sam’s ex-girlfriend Diane from maintaining the title and perhaps even graduating to much-sought-after wife status.

The first was her toes. They were always in motion. She could spread them out until there was an unhealthy amount of lights between them. They were like five pieces of kelp endlessly moving forward and back with the waves. At night he could always hear them rustling under the sheets.

The second was the fact that every morning she refused to have her bowel movement in the downstairs bathroom. She laughed when he would suggest it. The problem was that it sounded like some terrible wind instrument. A wind instrument that would never be asked to join an orchestra. Half bassoon and half wet moose mating call (Yes, while the noise itself sounded moist it would take a moose that was itself wet to duplicate it. A dry moose would not suffice).

“For the love of all that is holy, can you please go downstairs to do that? It’s the stuff of nightmares. You have to hear it right? I implore you!” he would implore.

She would just giggle and say that everybody has to poop. What’s worse is that often times she would come back to bed refreshed and feeling amorous.

“Are you kidding?” he would ask. “My downstairs is as smooth as a G.I. Joe after hearing that. A completely penis-free zone.”

Which begs the question; are we really that uncomfortable with the human body that we can’t make G.I. Joe anatomically correct? Would putting nipples on Barbie really put us on the road to ruin?

Given our technology, it would be (ironically enough) child’s play to put a detector in G.I. Joe’s penis that caused it to become erect when it was close to Barbie’s tidy little vagina.

Playing house would become a lot more involved. Especially for Ken when G.I. Joe moved in next door to the ‘dream home.’

There were three things that made the break-up tolerable for Diane.

The first was that she felt Sam could be petty at times.

He was also known to digress a lot.

And finally, her friend Joe was due to be discharged from the Army in a few weeks. She always felt that he had a thing for her.

So life rolls on.