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Jan
29

dwarfs, midgets and blorcs

(originally posted 3/3/2013. For the record, I did later write a semi-retraction based on a Peter Dinklage movie I enjoyed.)

 

If you look at the history of dwarfs in literature and folklore you’ll see what began in Germanic mythology as hearty creatures that dwelled in mountains and were associated with mining has continued to this day with them being portrayed as a rugged, strong and willful race. Nowhere in any mythos have I seen them depicted as big-headed, gnarly-handed, bowed legged humanoids who can’t run for more than two feet before they either fall over or have everyone wondering when the fuck they are going to fall over.

Why do I bring this up? Well it appears that The Little People of America, a non-profit group that apparently isn’t satisfied by the fact that we no longer hurl baby midgets off cliffs as soon as we see they aren’t going to end up taller than 3 feet, are upset because the movie Snow White and the Huntsman decided to use normal-sized actors to play dwarfs instead of ‘little people’. Are you kidding me? Isn’t it up to the director how he wants to portray dwarfs? You don’t see fat people getting all upset that there aren’t any chubby elves or blacks getting pissed about the lack of black orcs (blorcs?). No you don’t. Why? Because dwarfs and elves and orcs are all fantasy! It’s up to the interpretation of the creator of the movie as to how they will appear.

But no. That’s not good enough for the midgets. Not content to have every other show on TV having a midget come crashing into every other scene and take away from what the fuck is going on they now want to try and muscle in on dwarfs and ruin them for us too. Dwarfs are mighty warriors for fuck’s sake! Can you imagine a midget trying to swing a 2-handed battle axe? Picture that in your head. Picture it! You’re going to sit there with a straight face and try and tell me that Warwick Davis or Peter Dinklage could have played Grimli in The Lord of the Rings? Do you have any idea how excruciating it would have been to watch that movie with one of those two hobbling around trying to act like a bad-ass warrior? In that one scene where they have to run for hours at a stretch to pursue the fleeing Uraki it would have taken Warwick Davis a week just to make it up the first hill in heavy armor.  J.R.R. Tolkien painted a very clear image of the dwarfs in Middle Earth and they had nothing to do with the midgets that seem to be procreating at a breakneck pace these days. There’s more to dwarfs than being short and you’d think midgets would be the first to recognize that.

I’m just sick to death of the political correctness that allows midgets to get up in (stubby) arms over something so stupid. Why can’t they be happy that The Wizard of Oz and Charlie and the Chocolate Factory are always on the lookout for small ‘actors’? How soon until they are pissed off that there isn’t a pint-sized Tin Man crashing/loping (how would you describe it?) down the Yellow Brick Road? Get that orange paint on you uppity Oompa Loopa and shut your cakehole.

Now I might be coming off as somewhat anti-midget when that couldn’t be further from the truth. I’m just defensive when it comes to people trying to hijack something as close to my heart as dwarfs. I use to play Dungeons & Dragons and let me tell you nobody would have played a dwarf character if they had the characteristics of Peter Dinklage. I think our party would have spent every adventure raiding dwarf towns due to the complete lack of risk in doing so.

Me. “I hit the dwarf with a stick.”

Dungeon Master. “You do 1 point of damage. You kill him.”

There. I think that got it out of my system.

And yes, midgets would make shitty hobbits as well so they better stay the fuck out of Peter Jackson’s face.

The (tiny) balls on those guys!

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