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If I ever came into a large sum of money the only extravagant thing I would do is build a huge bathroom with a dozen toilets scattered around it. Whenever my dog goes outside to take a dump I always watch in envy as he slowly walks around and eventually finds the perfect spot to go.

 

Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia is the fear of long words. What sick bastard came up with that? Imagine having to give that patient their diagnosis. “You’d better sit down for this.”

 

It’s not unusual for our planet to hit a low temperature of 0 or a high of 120 degrees Fahrenheit but when my house goes below 68 my heater turns on and if it gets above 72 the air conditioning leaps into action. I have a comfort zone of four degrees. Four. Obviously this skin thing isn’t working out at all.

 

Whenever you see an old movie that has a young girl in it that later grew up to be a hottie, there is always a little confusion going on in your pants.

 

If I were a movie star I’m pretty sure I’d watch my own movies over and over. That’s an embarrassing thing to know about yourself.

 

There are times when I need to come up with the perfect sentence or phrase but the words behave like the Coyote chasing the Roadrunner.

 

A rodeo is really nothing more than a bunch of people watching other people in cowboy hats being cruel to horses and bulls. In a perfect world every rider would be thrown off and trampled to death.

 

You know that sound of a plate bring dropped in a restaurant? The loud crash and everyone swiveling their head to see which waitress is going to be fired. It’s such a distinctive noise. Wouldn’t it be great if that was the sound girls made when they took a crap? No matter how loud the music is in the bathroom everyone in the house is going to hear it. Even when you’re watching TV with the volume up. “Oh, Beth is taking a dump again.”

 

A moment of clarity: Every time I start to get offended that nobody really cares what I have to say I remind myself that I really don’t care about what anyone else has to say.

 

Have you ever stepped into the shower to find a mosquito trapped in there with you? You immediately get that “only one of us is coming out of here alive” feeling followed by a few minutes of splashing water at it until it finally falls and gets sucked down the drain. As it is falling, however briefly it may be, don’t you hear that whining plummeting sound that fighter planes use to make in WW II when they got hit and crashed? I’m actually surprised when I don’t see a little smoke and flames coming out of it just before it hits the ground.

 

Every time I watch golf and hear about the incredible pressure that golfers have to deal with I think about antlions. Antlions are the larvae of a insect that ends up looking like a dragonfly, but when they are young they excavate conical pits in the sand by crawling backwards in circles, at the same time flipping out sand grains with their long jaws. The slope of the funnel is adjusted to the critical angle of repose for sand, so that the sides readily give way under the feet of a would-be escapee. The antlion waits quietly at the bottom of the pit, with its body off to one side and concealed by the steep wall.

When crawling insects inadvertently fall into the pit it is virtually impossible for them to climb the loose sand on the steep walls. The struggling victim is then cruelly pulled beneath the sand as its body fluids are gradually siphoned out.

I think it would be great if there were giant, genetically engineered antlions the size of ponies and they were released into the sand traps at golf tournaments. THAT would be pressure.

 

Do you ever wonder if the tropical fish born in captivity sense there is something not quite right about the plastic coral reef they swim around?

 

What better way to express the fact that you are oblivious to being part of a larger society than hanging a pair of metals balls on the back of your pick-up. Have you seen these? Large metallic testicles for young kids and old ladies and everyone else to admire. Funny in concept but to actually inflict them on the rest of us is the worst kind of inbred hillbilly fucktardedness.

 

How did I know that somewhere my otolaryngologists was discussing my Auricular paresthesia with someone?

My ears were burning.

 

A recent study showed that 57% of Americans wish that dinosaurs from the cretaceous period still existed. I’m not sure those people have thought it through but I admit it would be cool to open the newspaper each day to see who’s been eaten.

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