first contact

(originally posted 8/1/2018)

I sauntered up to her door and knocked. Obviously hoping that she was somehow looking through the peephole to see the saunter, I’d pulled it off so well. And in case you think I’m just being cocky there was a UPS driver across the street who saw it and gave me an appreciative nod.

Those guys know a good saunter when they witness one.

It didn’t hurt I was wearing a leather jacket. The dichotomy between leather and a leisurely stroll is powerful stuff.

She opened the door and we drank each other in. I, in my leather, and her in her short shorts. I cut right to the chase; “I came here to fuck and chew bubble gum… and I’m all out of bubble gum.”

A great line, the perfect blend of romance and action, until I realized I was chewing gum. Slowly I stopped chewing. Comically slowly. Her eyes came to rest on my until-recently-chewing jaw. I could see it in her eyes, if I would lie about something so simple as chewing gum what other things would I keep from her.

Was my jacket even real leather?

Was I even a real man?

The confidence I’d built up from my sauntering melted away. I tried to remind myself that the little tag on my jacket had read ‘Real Leather’ before I’d torn it out but all I could think of was my third grade teacher dragging me to the waste paper basket by my ear and making me spit out my gum because I clearly didn’t have enough for everyone.

Her eyes moved up and met mine.

“Let me go grab a jacket” she said as she turned and retreated down the hall to the closet. My eyes couldn’t help taking in her super legs and super ass. It felt ok to do so, she’d practically asked me to. Just because she’d missed my saunter didn’t mean I was going to miss her walking away.

Honestly, the UPS guy would probably have had a full-blown erection seeing her walk away in those shorts.

She returned in a light windbreaker and asked where we were off to. I explained that it would have to be cheap as I didn’t have a lot of cash.

“About that” she replied and walked back to the closet.

She returned with a small chest filled with (I would later learn) Painite, one of the world’s rarest minerals. I mean, it was packed with the stuff.

“You know how you always pretend to be an alien? Driving around and seeing things from the perspective of a being from another world?” she asked.

“Yeah….?” I replied.

“Well I’m actually from another world. I’m here observing you and your fellow earthlings.”

As silly as it sound I believed her.

“To that end, I feel like I should pay someone for the privilege of doing my research so I hereby designate you as Earth’s official representative.” With that she handed the chest over to me. Holding the chest made me feel, for a very short time anyway, like a dread pirate.

Very heavy. Both the chest and being a pirate.

“I always knew there was something very special about you” was all I could get out.

She closed the door and we walked to my car.

“So what do you have planned?” she asked.

I stopped. “Can I ask how much this stuff is worth?”

She thought a second. “About six million dollars I’d guesstimate.”

I realized that any attempt to saunter now would be wasted. I smiled anyway.

“Olive Garden it is!”