(originally posted 1/13/2021)
(Warning: The voice of Yoda that you hear in your head is going to be critical in your enjoyment/appreciation of the following story. Give it your best.)
Tony considers himself a ladies’ man. It’s a title that he takes very seriously. So when he started to see more and more hot female nerds he realized it was time buckle down and put in some work to become more attractive to this audience. Ten years ago he’d never heard the term ‘cosplay’ but now every comic book or science fiction convention was packed with hot girls dressed up in sexy outfits.
He wanted a piece of the action.
As with any encounter with the fairer sex, first impressions were critical. He would need to learn a new one and he settled on Yoda. He’d only seen a couple of the Star Wars movies but he thought that women would find Yoda adorable. The perfect foil.
He began, quite ironically (too bad foreshadowingly isn’t a word), with the following; “Once you start down the dark path, forever will it dominate your destiny. Consume you, it will.”
He sat down in front of a mirror and began.
It did not start well. His Yoda impression sounded more like Scooby Doo. “Ruh roh” he thought to himself. This going to be more difficult than he’d thought.
Perhaps he needed to start with a shorter phrase. He took a deep breath and continued working on his Yoda; “Do or do not. There is no try.”
“There is no try” he repeated to himself when the initial attempt ended with him sounding more like Pee Wee Herman. Almost an hour later the impression sounded like Scooby Doo doing his best Pee Wee Herman. He needed a break.
For motivational purposed he went online and looked at pictures of sexy Star Wars cosplay girls. “An erection I have” (like a slow-motion, flesh-colored lightsaber) he said aloud after only a few minutes. It sounded like Scooby Doo doing Yoda.
“Happens to every guy sometimes this does” sounded like Pee Wee Herman doing Yoda.
“Size matters not.”
It was then he caught his reflection on the computer screen. It just so happened that it fell over a very realistic Yoda face. It was like he was superimposed and when his lips moved Yoda’s eyes seemed to burn into his own.
He heard Yoda’s voice in his head; “When you look at the dark side, careful you must be. For the dark side looks back.”
He closed his eyes. Introspection had never been his strong suit but when he opened his eyes and saw Yoda still staring at him he thought he’d give it a whirl.
“But Yoda” he said in his normal voice, “These girls are so hot. I want to have sex with them all.”
Yoda glared at him; “Control, control, you must learn control!” he said tersely. “In the end, cowards are those who follow the dark side.”
“Give off light, or darkness, Tony. Be a candle, or the night. Your path you must decide.””
Tony sighed. This examining his true motivations and feelings was rough stuff. Finally he asked the computer screen “I’ve been led around by my dick so long, is there any hope for being a better man?”
Impossibly Yoda’s face screwed itself up in deep thought. Tony’s jaw fell open. Yoda’s eyes returned to his; “Difficult to see. Always in motion is the future.”