fuck the Island of Misfit Toys

(originally posted 12/19/2021)

I hate to get all heavy and negative during an otherwise festive time of year, but I can hold my tongue no longer.

Fuck the Island of Misfit Toys. Am I the only one who sat outraged during the Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer special as Santa was guilted into picking up these rejects on Christmas Eve, to be given as gifts to unsuspecting children around the globe?

This after even the toys openly admitted that “nobody wants to play with a train with a caboose with square wheels.”

What changed after their heartfelt pleas?

Nothing!

No kid will want to unwrap a train with a caboose with square wheels. Since when did Christmas become about the self-absorbed toys? Santa should be ashamed.

There should be a follow-up Christmas special called The Christmas When Kids Got Shitty Toys They Didn’t Want. It will show the distraught kids stomping the toys into pieces and using them as kindling.

If you’re thinking I’m drawing an analogy to some of the stupid shit going on in our culture right now you’re spot on.

No kid wants a boat that can’t stay afloat. Obviously I feel bad for the non-buoyant boat, I am not completely without compassion, but the solution is not to inflict this boat on some poor kid that, when he plopped down on Santa’s lap at the mall and asked for a boat, expected the boat to actually stay on top of the water. It’s a modest expectation for fuck’s sake. He didn’t ask for a Norwegian NCL Encore cruise ship, just a plain and simple boat. Can you do that Santa?

And no kid wants an airplane that can’t fly. If it can’t fly it is not even, by definition, a fucking airplane. It is a weird car that wishes it could fly. The last thing a kid wants on Christmas is a wannabe-airplane that either has aviophobia or such poor aerodynamics that the kid is forced to conclude that he or she was on Santa’s naughty list for receiving it.

Do you understand what such a ‘fuck you’ from Santa does to a child’s psyche?

How about the train considers losing the caboose, hmm? Then maybe it gets to ride in Santa’s sleigh. And if the squirt gun insists it can only shoot jelly, irregardless of the nonsensical nature of this (it’s clearly a decision), then it can stay the fuck on Misfit Island. If you put a deranged gun that shoots jelly put in the hands of a child there are consequences, stained carpets and upholstery being just the tip of a very sticky iceberg, and Santa should be the first one to appreciate this. Kids with a gun that shoots jelly are going to end up on the naughty list the following year for sure.

If that toy cowboy wants to ride an ostrich, good for him. He can ride that ostrich around Misfit Island until it falls over from exhaustion, but if he wants to be a child’s gift then get the fuck on a horse you stupid fuck.

Nobody wants a cowboy that rides an ostrich! Can you get that through your selfish wooden head?!

Fuck these solipsistic toys and fuck Santa for caving in to such nonsense.

… and, of course, happy holidays.