My drawing skills on display. #FunniestTweets #humor #cartoon https://t.co/NK4lmGRvY5 https://t.co/t0AqfS5PBO (36 mins ago)

news&updates

Jun
7

Gar: a complete retraction

If you were unfortunate enough to have been subjected to my story about my gar than you’ll know exactly what I’m talking about. If you haven’t read it then let me catch you up quickly.

I bought a gar. He won’t die and a few months back he stopped eating his feeder fish and began to subsist on flakes. The feeder fish, free from the daily concerns of being eaten, began to procreate at a dizzying rate that threatened to have the entire tank become a writhing ball of guppies.

This made me very angry at my gar and I began to hurl all manner of derogatory statements in his directions.

For this I must now make a complete retraction. My gar, it turns out, was a friggin’ genius and nobody was more surprised than I.

Just when I thought there couldn’t possibly be more guppies in my tank the gar returned to his carnivorous ways. The brilliant little bastard was simply killing time and letting the population of feeder fish get to a sustainable level.

I know, right.

Now when I go to feed the swarming masses he simply floats through the frothing waters with his mouth open and then chows down. The guppies never even know what hit them. One minute they are battling it out for precious resources at the water’s surface and then next they are halfway down the gar’s gullet. My remarkable fish doesn’t even have to stalk or make a sudden lunge or anything. He waited until just the right of fish were born before going back to his old appetites and now any time he’s hungry there is a meal waiting for him as soon as he opens his mouth.

To think of the horrible things I implied in my last story. The whole thing was an elaborate ruse and I bit hook, line and sinker. I know you’ve been waiting for me to make that analogy so I figured I would go ahead and get it over with.

I am literally in awe of my gar. The patience. The cunning. I had no idea that a fish could be so smart. I feel like I might have the world’s smartest fish living in my humble abode.

What’s particularly odd is that I remember on many occasions locking eyes with him as he refused to do his garrish duties and swallow up the feeder fish that had cost me good money to provide him, to say nothing of the time and gas money it required to procure them, and really giving him a good dressing down. What must have been going through his fishy mind as he listened to me berate him? Was he irritated at my jumping to conclusions or was it his plan all along to bait me into thinking he was past his prime? Either way for him not to clue me into his scheme was a little rude … but I’ll forgive him if he can forgive me for some of the terrible things I said about him.

Maybe it’s his advanced years that have given him such wisdom. Could it be that over the years he noticed a few of the guppies sneaking around having sex before he gobbled them up? What if he stays alive a few more years and starts to figure other stuff out?

Hmmm.

You can’t tell me that now his food concerns have been resolved for the foreseeable future that he’s not going to be putting his formidable powers of intellect to another use. Do you think that he might hold a grudge and end up sitting in his tank like the Gerald Butler character in Law Abiding Citizen? Here I am admiring him and thinking all’s well that ends well and then the next thing you know the toaster blows up and lops off one of my hands. He wouldn’t care. He’d sit the watching me fumble to find a plastic bag to put my hand in to take to the hospital, the ol’ red stuff squirting hither and yon, knowing full well he has plenty to eat and he’ll be dead long before the air pump quits should I not make it back home.

That conniving bastard! Is that what his plan is?

Everyone always told me that if I’m stressed the best thing to do is buy a fish tank and spend a few minutes every day watching the fish swim around to lower my blood pressure.

What they didn’t tell me was what to do if one of those fish was plotting to kill me. What’s worse is I can’t prove it. There is a chance that he’s content and ready to live out his last days peacefully.

But can I afford to take that chance?

Yes. Very relaxing indeed.

like it, share it!

Join the discussion

*

Tales of Adventure with Nap Lapkin

Tales of Adventure with Nap Lapkin

Publication date: September 2019
Category: Humor

$10.00
paperback buy
Free
ebook download
 

neXt

neXt

Publication date: April 2019
Category: Humor

$10.70
paperback buy
Free
ebook download
 

What You Don’t Understand

What You Don’t Understand

Publication date: November 2015
Category: Humor

$9.99
paperback buy
Free
ebook download
 

The Song Between Her Legs

The Song Between Her Legs

Publication date: September 2014
Category: Humor

$9.99
paperback buy
Free
ebook download
 

The Ball Washer

The Ball Washer

Publication date: October 2012
Category: Humor

$9.99
paperback buy
Free
ebook download
 

Homo Sayswhaticus

Homo Sayswhaticus

Publication date: May 2013
Category: Humor

$9.99
paperback buy
Free
ebook download
 

The Trembling Fist

The Trembling Fist

Publication date: November 2013
Category: Humor

$9.99
paperback buy
$2.99
ebook buy
 

Merciful Flush: The Lance Manion Blogs

Merciful Flush: The Lance Manion Blogs

Publication date: May 2012
Category: Humor

$9.99
paperback buy
Free
ebook download
 

Results May Vary: The Lance Manion Blogs

Results May Vary: The Lance Manion Blogs

Publication date: May 2012
Category: Humor

$9.95
paperback buy
$3.95
ebook buy