get to know Wade

Let me tell you a little bit about Wade.

He likes to write things down in the hope that someone will read what he has written without him knowing it.

He is deathly afraid of droughts. As he has said to many people, every one of the worst droughts in history had an 8th day of no rain. Anything more than that and he starts to stockpile water, puts buckets on his roof, fills his bathtub up just in case and, most disturbingly, begins to drink his own urine. He wonders if his name was Dale if he would be afraid of valleys instead.

When he was in college, yes he did attend college, he was one of the few people with a car and he made money driving people around so when he graduated he bought a used Greyhound bus but was disappointed when he couldn’t get enough people to pay him to take them to the same place. His friends all warned him before he committed to buying the bus and claimed he lacked common sense but Wade said that that kind of thinking would also tell him to go to the dentist when his teeth hurt. He claims to have uncommon sense and is missing 3 teeth.

He claims to be nocturnal because daylight makes him sleepy.

He believes that suicide is usually on the menu when you can’t live without the person you want to kill. It is a widely held belief that he came to this conclusion when the only girl in the world he thought he could ever love left him in high school. He arrived at the conclusion that she was the one for him because he could always guess what number between 1-10 she was thinking of. With other girls he had no idea and they could have been thinking of any number (except 9, no girl thinks of 9) but with her he somehow knew. On a side note, his attempts to have her call him Pickledick as his pet name were as unsuccessful as her attempts to understand why he wanted that moniker. Apparently he lived through the break-up and told a friend it was because he couldn’t live without himself. His quest for the next only girl in the world continues.

One time a few years back when he was drunk at a bar his friends heard him stand and announce to no one in particular “Sure I’m on a side road but that’s only because I know a shortcut!”

That’s pretty much Wade in a nutshell.