great ball of fire (part 9)
I think the biggest misconception earthlings have about intelligent life out in the universe is that they automatically assume it to be much more intelligent than we are. A safe assumption if that life form pulls up to our planet in some device that they created to zip around the cosmos but for the rest of the almost infinite list of sentient beings inhabiting the almost infinite number of habitable planets it’s really just a crap shoot.
That includes sentient comets.
There’s really no way to measure gullibility between species but as the people of Earth breathed a collective sigh of relief as the comet made a small adjustment to its course and cometed right past them there was one sentient comet who was about to learn the meaning of caveat emptor.
There’s really no way to know what the comet felt as it hurled by, at any minute expecting the computations on the chalkboard in Nap’s image to bear fruit and corral said comet into an endless orbit around our blue ball, only to see our planet disappear in the rear view mirror as it continued its journey through our solar system. Did it even have the ability to see that there was no chalkboard? Or even a giant plain where every member of the human race stood waving and thanking it for not extinguishing their collective lives?
The names of agents Nap Lapkin and Madonna Axion were not included in the story of the heroic mission to save Earth, referred to only as Agent 1 and Agent 2, but a few years later Jeff Goldblum would break box office records with his pseudo-autobiographical movie Chance Goodrod To The Rescue. The source of the semen that floated intermittently through a lot of the scenes was left to the imagination.
It would be days after their safe return that Nap would be told that the comet had made one more small course correction that sent it flying right into the sun. His debriefing took a full week, both the military and the scientific community eager to hear all about our first contact with another form of intelligent life.
They didn’t get much.
“I did what I was sent to do.”
A more intimate account was requested by Madonna as they strolled along a quiet beach a few weeks later. The stars glistened in the sky and every creature within earshot seemed to be on their best behavior, singing, chirping and croaking a chorus of thanks. Finally she stopped him and put a hand on each side of his face.
“Are you ok Nap?”
“We did what needed doing.”
He stepped back and her hands fell to her side.
“Edward Halley couldn’t have done it. Neither could Bill. You were the right mix. Maybe the only man who could have done what needed doing” she whispered. “You saved everyone.”
“Almost everyone” was his only reply.
There was no semen to float by and distract you from him walking poignantly away into the night. Sorry, but you’re going to have to feel what you’re feeling. When he reached his blue ’78 Le Mans he pulled open the door and flopped into the seat. Down went the windows and he opened the sun roof. The V8 engine roared to life and he put it into drive.
Looking up through the sun roof he channeled his inner Dave Alvin;
This cop walked into a pancake house in Texas
And ordered up a couple of cups to go
And he tells the waitress, “Hey, I just found the body
Of some guy who was famous long ago”