grey days suck in winter

(originally posted 1/16/2013)

It’s bad enough that it’s cold outside, but there are days where the ground looks frozen even without the snow and the tress are bare and look like they are upside down with their roots sticking up. The sky just sits there featureless and grey as if trying to make you give up on even the idea of spring.

Those are the days you sit inside with nothing to do but try and figure out how much it would cost to produce a sequel to Fast Times at Ridgemont High. Anyone who’s seen it knows why it should be made but the biggest obstacle has to be the cost of getting that cast back together.

First and foremost will be getting that uber-douche Sean Penn to admit that Jeff Spicoli was his greatest role ever. Once he has come to terms with that fact he’ll need at least $10M to do the pic I’m sure. Without Spicoli we have no movie so, as much as we hate Sean Penn for being the douche he is, we’ll have to cough it up.

Speaking of big-ticket actors, we’ll need at least $5M to pursue Forest Witaker do reprise his role as Charles Jefferson. Do we really need Charles Jefferson? Yes. We need Charles Jefferson.

Now here is the problem. Fast Times had more starpower than most people suspect and that’s what is going to kill our budget. For every Phoebe Cates who we can get for a decent amount there is an Eric Stoltz lurking who will want some serious cash. Remaking the movie without him would be like writing a sequel and not having Phoebe show her tits again. Unheard of! I have a feeling that seeing her breasts again might be the only way we can talk Judge Reinhold into coming back and the Brad Hamilton character is what holds this whole new movie together. You have to figure another $10M for the Eric, Phoebe & Judge package.

And speaking of boobs… how would you like to have shown the world yours only to have them be upstaged by Phoebe’s? That might be an obstacle in getting Jennifer Jason Leigh on this project. Someone will have to sit down with her and explain that without her breasts Fast Times would not have been the movie it was. Perhaps we can talk her into having another quick look. That’s negotiable.

Getting back to the expensive actors you might not have noticed in the original but will need to sign on the dotted line for this to work. We might need upwards of $25M to get “Brad’s Bud” and “Stoner Bud” to sign on. That’s right… Nicolas Cage and Anthony Edwards don’t come cheap! We could try and replace them with lesser talents but I’m telling you it won’t work. Don’t you ever wonder why that scene where Spicoli and his stoner friends fall out of the smoke-filled bus looks so real? Maybe because it was shot with some of the finest acting talents to grace the silver screen? We’ll have to pony up the $25M to get the same realism for the new film.

You might have noticed the cost of this movie is starting to spiral upwards. True, but look at who we can get for cheap: Brian Backer (Mark Ratner), Vincent Schiavelli (Mr. Vargas) and James Russo (Robber). I think we can probably get all three for about $3,000 plus meals.

Which brings us to Robert Romanus. Better known as the glorious Mike Damone. When I watch him ply his craft as the ultra-hip mentor to ‘Rat’ Ratner I can only feel awe at the effortless way he brings the character to life. Only Robert Romanus could make the line “Yeah! The attitude dictates that you don’t care whether she comes, stays, lays, or prays. I mean whatever happens, your toes are still tappin’. Now when you got that, then you have the attitude.” come alive. Who can forget the immortal words “First of all Rat, you never let on how much you like a girl. “Oh, Debbie. Hi.” Two, you always call the shots. “Kiss me. You won’t regret it.” Now three, act like wherever you are, that’s the place to be. “Isn’t this great?” Four, when ordering food, you find out what she wants, then order for the both of you. It’s a classy move. “Now, the lady will have the linguini and white clam sauce, and a Coke with no ice.” And five, now this is the most important, Rat. When it comes down to making out, whenever possible, put on side one of Led Zeppelin IV.”?

Not only do we need him for the sequel but I want to overpay him as payback for his being underappreciated in the original. That’s right, he gets $50M. Not a penny less.

Ok, now for the finishing touch. The cherry on top of the greatest sequel to ever be conceived. In the role of the stern but somehow lovable teacher Mr. Hand .. none other than the incomparable Ray Walston!

What’s that?

He’s what?

Dead?! Ray Walston died in 2001?!

January 1, 2001.

Wow, that blows. Mr. Hand is dead. And so then is Return To Ridgemont High.

Grey days suck in winter.